P.S. I love you

I wanna go to a place where lovers go.....no stress......i wanna do the things we used to do, say the things we used to say, just lay.......

*sigh* I just recorded a video on my phone. A farewell video of sorts. But never realized how much of a white girl I sounded like. So white, that I can never again say "in my white girl voice" and I feel like I should stop hanging out with white people all together so that people don't mistake me for one of those ignorant broads that wishes she were white. Ugh. I don't even think I should say nigga anymore. And now I realize why my temne is so fucking terrible. Omg!

Ok. I'm done breaking down about that.

This post isn't about my voice. It's about my best friend Zainab. And people.....let me tell you about my best friend.

She is phenomenal. She is beautiful, inside and out. She is intelligent AND smart (and no they are not synonymous). The most emotionally invested person I know when it comes to family. The only person I completely trust with my life. There are so many things I could say about her.

I am ecstatic (I really should look for more words that mean really happy) that she is starting to see how phenomenal she is and will come to be. She cut her hair and I love it. This is the last blog I'll be writing while in the states and I really just want to say to my big sister...........

I love you. It's only three weeks that I'll be gone. We'll both be fine. I think my obsession has convinced me that you can't be okay without me. You'll break down. You'll need to talk and no one will be the sounding board you need. But that's not true. You'll be perfectly fine without me because you're strong and you have therapy and you have "suck ass, good ass" friends. lol. Be sure to email me though. I still want to know what you're up to, when and what you're eating, what you're doing, how the black power movement is progressing, how you're doing, what you're learning......once again, I could go on and on. But I basically want to know that you're doing ok. That's always my main concern. If my mother's not okay, then I'm not okay. So yea, keep me updated son.

Of course I'll be on here a couple times to read your blogs. I should have brought my USB cord to upload pics while I'm there but I'm sure I'll find one while I'm there. I get to see Alimamy, Zainab! I'm so excited. And I get to meet Fenthi. I wish you were coming with me. I actually wish you could go everywhere with me. In my back pocket or something. I'm needy, we already know that though. Not sure what else to say. I feel like we've been farwelling since the beginning of the week. Can't wait to come back and totally overdose on KARMA INC. I'm going to come to Richmond before life gets too stressful. And we gon drown ourselves in green, hugs and love.

Simply put. I love u boo. Take care of yourself. Keep doing what you're doing.

Back to Love, Back to my Home

Live to learn to grow to trust to change.........

In 0900 hours I will be departing for home. Freetown, Sierra Leone. Somehow, I've allowed myself to revel in anxiety and a bit of sadness about going. Which is completely ridiculous. This trip presents so many opportunities for me. I should be nothing but hopeful for the time I'll be spending with friends and family for the next three weeks. If anything, this year has taught me that family members slip away so easily. Actually, I first learned that when I was in ninth grade. Then it seems like every year after then. My most recent reminder was in January. I think going through what I have with my family has deflated my faith in the entity. I've been projecting that lack of faith onto my family at home, which is wrong to do. The family here is blinded by so many things as a result of emigrating to this country. That's not how it is back home. Back home there's solidarity, they support one another, they understand what it is to love one another and be there for one another. Somehow my parents and relatives have diverted from all of those things. I know I'll have nothing but smiles on my face and in my heart once I see my grandmother and other family members.

Living to learn to grow to trust to change.........

Into a better person into a woman. I'm not a little girl anymore but I'm stuck in what I once was what I used to feel. I still feel that hurt and that anger because I relive every event, every day. I don't sit and think about every event of every year until i'm at the nineteenth. But in my daily anxiety and sadness and inability to think highly of myself, is pain from ages 4-19.

Far away from here, far away from here. Far away from here. Just jump in a taxi cab, pack a bag, and get away fast.......

Shoutouts: Zainab Kamarah & Alimamy Bangura

Your Dad: Lidocaine

i'm tired. Once again. i've already been worn out by all the details of this situation earlier in the semester. that coupled with other issues, made my start to this school year extremely difficult. i won't do it again. and i can't let this ruin my imminent trip home.

i saw Mr. BA. it was as awkward and anxiety-ridden as i anticipated. he walked in and I greeted him, as is customary in our culture. i was never one to jump up in excitement at the sight of Mr. BA but he was my best friend and i'm sure my eyes used to light up. it wouldn't take long for things to get back to how they once were. but. (yea. those again) as i told him, i will never be able to trust him like i did before. i don't like to feel hurt. obviously no one does, so consider that an understatement. i have deeply rooted, major trust and abandonment issues. he abandoned me. i was so attached. i could rationally deduce that to rid myself of those feelings i need to address it with Mr. BA. but i reached out. and felt rejected. i forgave him after not knowing him for all of my life.

"i forgave him after not knowing him for all of my life." ten times i've read the line, looking for the next line. and now i am reduced to confessing that i am an indian forgiver. i gave Mr. BA my forgiveness and i've taken it back........

...........i'm not interested in re-gifting.

so later on, he decided to have a talk with me. i didn't appreciate the manner in which he did it but that's not nearly as significant as the content of the talk. Mr. BA expressed his disappointment in me for my behavior from earlier in the summer. and his hurt over my not calling him for five months. during two of those months, Mr. BA and his wife didn't talk to me. didn't care to know what i was doing. what i was going through. it sucks when someone wrongs you the same way you wronged them, hunh? no. two wrongs don't make a right. but i'm not interested in making a right. im interested in protecting myself. i'm restoring my soul. i can't have someone come in and take the life out of me again. and the hurt that he felt, i'm sure i felt it ten-fold.

i'm left confused about everything. i'm not sure it's worth it to try to explicate the situation. it happened so long ago. what's the point. but i'm also not willing to hand out pardons. so perhaps explicating is the only choice we've got. i'm always saying i'm over it. but as many times as my eyes welled up today. it hurts just as much as it did five months ago.

my only request is to no longer feel anything from this.

Dear Karma!

To my 6-star:

I don't know why you fakin liike.
Ew.... you slushy.
I hate you ho.
(rank comment made)......Line.......
You a nigga nancy.
Go wash your butt.
I love you ho.

so. i'm leaving for 3 weeks and i'm going to miss you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. the above phrases are all the things i am going to miss about our texts and conversations. i'm sure i forgot some things because we come up with something new every day but i think those are our most frequently used phrases. i don't know. i've been thinking about how i'm going to balance my sadness from not being able to text you or call you whenever i want with my happiness from being home and being around alimamy. i mean. i'm sure i'm totally overestimating how much i'll miss you. i don't even like you that much. you know i hate you ho. because you a nigga nancy and i don't deal with nigga nancies.

[Aside]
i really don't know how to express how sad i feel already. it's a weird feeling. (let's therapize it) i feel really anxious when i think about it. and the anxiety is in my heart and it's like a pulsating type feeling. and some of it goes down to my stomach. it's really uncomfortable. and it's a scary feeling. the anxiety makes me want to cry. because i'm not forced to be without karma for more than a few hours. i can hardly be without her for the few hours i'm in class. karma's my best friend. i hope her friends are there for her when she needs it. i hope they understand her hurt. i hope they make her laugh and give her pep talks. motivate her. encourage her. don't only take her out to the club with them. i'm sure she'll be ok without me. i'm worried about how i'll be without her. i take karma with me everywhere. i guess she'll be in my heart and on my mind so she's still going with me. but she won't be there to laugh at people with me. she won't be there to share in the experience. DAMMIT. I AINT GOING NOWHERE, UNLESS I CAN TAKE MY KARMA INC.

well.....we all know Mrs. Cutoff Your Phone (Mrs. CYP) will have none of that. but she just don't understand what it is between me and my fiancee.

let me stop fakin liike part of my anxiety isn't from you finding my replacement. don't get me wrong. i'm cool. shit. i'm funny. SHIT. i get it done, two sticks in my bun. so it should be rather hard to find someone who has all of those qualities. and it's hard for you to find someone who doesn't annoy you. lol. you're so picky with who you fucks with. unless they toting green then your filtering system kind of breaks down.

iight. this is just today's chronicle of how i'm feeling. i'm really going to miss blogging these next 3 weeks. i might blog once a week or something.

Your Dad

*sigh*

on Friday I'll see Mr. BA. i spent a lot of my summer with him. i've discussed him in prior entries under a different moniker but. he has been discussed. it's been since the end of my summer since i've seen him. today's december 17th so it's been about 5 months and 10 days. at least. and yes i took a five minute look at my school calendar to calculate it. went to richmond. ugh can't remember when. the battle happened here. hmmm. went to school around then. yea. well. i think that's all right. it was first 2 months of silence from Mr. BA and his wife. they didn't care to check up on me. they didn't want to know what my stressors were (mainly them). one word responses to my emails. zero word responses to my voice messages and phone calls. eventually. i broke. i was ridden with anxiety over the situation. i needed to finally stand my ground. but. but brought stuttered thoughts. but brought a different low for me. but. was confused because the monster you know is better than the monster you don't know. i had never encountered the monster summoned by rebellion. so i decided to "reach out." not sure what else to dub it.

i took time out to write Mr. BA an email. heartfelt. spilled guts. then a week of waiting passed. i had MAIL. more than a one word response. way more than one. one hundred and fifty-two words actually. another 5 minutes. *note* mine was way more than one hundred and fifty-two words *note* but it wasn't a battle of words. i'm not sure what kind of battle. it wasn't a battle at all, i wanted was an end to the silence. i missed Mr. BA. remember, i spent all summer with him. that month and a half or so meant so much to me. i opened up to him. only to realize it was all a mistake. it didn't mean as much to him. could be an irrational deduction. but that's how i took it. because summer meant nothing, my spilled guts meant nothing. and he sent me a chilled one hundred and fifty-two response. none of it truly acknowledged my words. it only acknowledged two sentences. two sentences at the end of my email.

are my feelings still hurt? am i still mad? possibly hurt, not enough energy for the anger........so i see my father this Friday. i'm not sure how to act. i don't know if i should give him a hug. i know that's not happening. i told him i wouldn't be able to trust him for a while. and by the looks of it, he's not interested in putting in work to gain my trust. i suppose he feels that his "Dad" title gave him some special privileges. some sort of leniency. a title, by the way, i did not give him. the 3 years i've known Mr. BA i've never been able to call him that. didn't feel right. wouldn't cross my mind today. being disrespectful isn't an option. that excludes ignoring him. so i think ill find a park bench to sit on for the day. when it gets dark, ill return to the apartment and put my headphones on. definitely still hurt.

i was less hurt when i didn't know him. there was nothing to miss. i never had something to compare the absence with. i only hope he doesn't want to talk about it all. i'm not in the mood for it. i'm not even in the mood to see him. or hear his voice. or stay at his apartment. or hear him breathe.

*sigh*

Normal in Size

I need to believe that when I claim something and say that God can do it for me, I must believe it to mean it will happen.  I believe that I should be capable of correcting, rectifying, completing, fulfilling, and doing most everything in my life,, when really, this is not possible.


I have to work hard.  I have to be patient.  I have to do my best to make the best decisions.  I have to be kind to people.  I have to be considerate.  I have to be humble.  I have to be organized and manage my time well.


But I also have to realize that I am human and I am fallible.  I am not always capable.  I don't always have the personal resources or endurance to correct, rectify, complete, fulfill and do everything.


I believe in God but I continue to forget to ask him for the personal resources I lack from time to time.  I do need to let go and let God after I have done all I can do to improve or change a situation.  I am not a superhero.


I must always try and I should never give up, but I should know that God is watching out for me and if I believe in Him, I must believe in Him.


Forgive me for my lack of faith.

Token

ill pull down a cloud for you. ill circle the stars and bring u one back. ill walk through the sun for u. cuz there's something u do........

Replacement Mom,

It's your go. At night before I don't go to sleep, basically a night like this, and I say my Allahu Akbarrs I am sure to thank God for my big sister. You're one person I refuse to take for granted. Besides, my heart would never allow such a thing.

I love your awful knock-knock jokes. Actually. Such a lie. I love the effort you put into making me laugh on command (but the actual joke I could do without). And I love that i can be completely candid with you about everything under the sun, except for the military. But that's okay. There are a lot of issues and topics under the sun to be discussed therefore I am not losing out on much by not being able to talk to you about the military.

Words can't express how much I appreciate you. My incessant voice messages and calls, my constant texting, my controlling attitude, my accidental guilt trips couldn't help you understand how much of my world you are. I could never find anything to fill your place. I would never be able to find a better confidant, a better comedian (outside of myself), a better partner in crime.

I have a lot of days where I feel I can't do it. And I'll talk to you or simply leave you a message and I'll feel a little better. Voice messages help me because I know you're going to hear it and understand and know what to say, once you're free, that will make my world not feel so claustrophobic.

Somehow we are stark parallels of one another. Mirror images. But not. Because I be dykin liike and you just be fakin liike. But you help me see things in myself that otherwise I would either run away from or not notice. You make me comfortable enough within myself, because of your understanding and nurturing, to constantly be aware of my emotions and my thoughts no matter how scared I am.

Indeed people do let you down. People are inconsistent. People do judge. I'm glad you're not just people.

As confused as I am on the direction of my life and on even the direction of my day. When I wake up, I know I have at least one thing figured out. I get another day to show my sister just how much she is worth all the happiness in the world. And I get to be for you the everything + more that you are for me.

In the morning when I see the big yellow moon in the sky I'm given a reason to match my energy with its beams. But even when that moon is up and I still feel like everything is dark, you're my big yellow moon. You're the reason I'm not afraid to wake up to no Sun in the sky. You're the reason I start my days. You are why I can go to sleep.

i love u. bunches of oats.

Pata, Pata

"God Blocked It" by Kurt Carr

...you see my life was spinning out of control / and the fact that i'm still alive today / ain't nothin' but, nothin' but a miracle...

I always have so much to write about. Life happens to me, I notice life and I have so much to say. But my God, my life makes no time for my art.

Really, I make no time for my art. I love art like I love God and I be fakin' liiiiiike...

Last week Friday I was just having a bad, baaad day. I can't remember the details of the badness (which is just a testament to that fact that trouble don't last always). I just remember feeling so out of control, so helpless, so much self-pity, anger, and frustration about still being frustrated.

I thought that my whole life, not just whatever incident I was dealing with, was in shambles and even the good things were just life's way of mocking my misfortune. I lost my VCU ID, which is my whole life on campus. It was the last "bad" thing to happen that day, and you know it's the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I'm a habitual negative thinker. I know, but I'm praying on it.

And that's what I was reminded to do on Friday. I forget that things could be so much worse. This life is bad for me sometimes, lonely, solutionless, and seemingly not worth the effort. But I am still alive which is more than so many can say. And as long as I am alive, I still have some control. I still have some opportunity.

Someone found my ID and emailed me. Slowly, the rest of the messy injustice of my day and life rescinded or just didn't seem as big of a deal as they initially did. I went to the library, less loaded on my mind and studied, my purpose in life for the time being.

I pulled out my planner and was temporarily overwhelmed by my life...tests in red ink, bills in blue ink, more meetings in purple all up and through my planner.

Whatever song was playing on iTunes faded out and I started to open my mouth to complain. "I can't...

And they sang...

The Devil had a plan to kill me, I know
But God intercepted his plan
And told the devil, no
God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so
No He wouldn't let it be so

And then Nikita told 'em...

Haven't lived a perfect life
Seems I've done wrong more than I've done right
But thank God for compassion and forgiveness
That kept me from a terrible plight

You see, my life was spinning out of control
The fact that I'm still a live today
Ain't nothing, nothing but a miracle

Obviously, I shut my mouth. and no matter how much I study my science, love my science, feel secure in the certain logic of science, I love my God. The fact that I'm still alive today ain't nothing but a miracle. I'm only here because He still wants me to be, because He protected me, because God blocked it.

I got work to do.

For real though, I have so much reading to do.

For Hedah

...If you're lost / you can look / and you will find me / time after time / if you fall / i will catch / I'll be waiting / time after time...

Hedah,

I probably would have hated you as a child. Actually, I did hate you as a child. Not because of you the person but because you got me in trouble with my Mom that one time you told on me.

No, you will never live it down and no I will never stop bringing it up.

I'm only mad that you told on me because it made me hate you and then I stayed away from you for years. How awesome would it have been to grow up together? When I consider the joy that you are to me, I am only disgruntled that I didn't have you ten years ago.

However, I believe in God's timing. And I believe He knows what He is doing. I don't think I would have appreciated you 10 years ago. In the midst of this sometimes debilitating pain and shame and anger and hunger for centeredness I feel, I have a short list of people and things for which I should continue my life for.

They say that one should live for oneself. However, I think that is a lie. That is the problem. If one's happiness is only contingent upon her growth and prosperity alone, she is not a complete person.

I live to put a smile on your face. I live to make you laugh. I live to the mountain on which you stand when you have an epiphany. I live to be the solid ground that rescues you from unstable and murky waters. I live to inspire you. I live to motivate you. I live to love you.

I think I have felt enough sadness to be qualified to say I have seen the world. Yes, that much sadness. And I am glad to have seen it if only to keep you away from it.

This life is hard. People are inconsistent. People judge you. Things don't work out the way you want, wish, and pray for them to. You disappoint yourself. People become more inconsistent. People judge you more. People betray you. You betray yourself.

I write this to let you know that nothing that befalls you is irreparable. Nothing that happens to you can disqualify you from happiness or at least peace of mind.

You don't deserve this storm. You don't at all. And while you are in it, I will give you a hug under my umbrella, make you some pepa sup, tuck you in, and go outside to be with God and tell the devil to mind his business.

I sure do love you.

But Who Jah Bless...

"Who the Cap Fit" by Bob Marley

...no one curse / Thank God, we're past the worst...

I haven't been fasting, not out of insolence but the chronic indolence of being sick.

And it has interrupted my prayer, which doesn't require the physical sacrifice that fasting does, but it is something I haven't been obedient to do.

However, the residue of Ramadan has not left. The things I learned/am learning are with me. I am working on my anxiety and trying to curb my sense of helplessness. When times are harder, I grind harder.

And He has rewarded me for such an attitude even in the absence of my prayers. People, who in the past have been unreliable and inconsistent, have reconsidered their participation in my life and are all about the straight and narrow.

And I am more forgiving, more willing to to enlist their help, less likely to feel pity for the perceived helplessness of my situation.

Fasting during Ramadan left a lasting impression on my soul and on my psyche. Bad things will happen but most of them will not constitute as being the end of the world. I can do this, if I want to, but really this time.

And I have the support of those I longed for in my life. It's a good time to be alive. I almost wasn't here for this.

They say that who the cap fit, let them wear it. Those who left, gave up on me, deserted me, wore the hat of abandonment, but it didn't really fit their hearts. It is just hard to be a human being and not judge, so they made their way back.

I appreciate God for helping me live long enough to witness this moment in my life. The focus now is to make that graduate cap fit.

Tomorrow, Ramadan part two. My little sister and Shahedah (my star) shall subsist on faith and hope alone.

Eid Al-Fitr

Eid Al-Fitr marks the end of Ramadan. What a long thirty days it has been for me (I know it has been the same for Zainab also, but I don't want to speak for the both of us). Just a few days ago I wrote about not feeling as if this fasting period has done what I needed it to. Until Karma reminded me that what I'm aiming for is making it to a point where my good days, my progressive days outnumber my unmotivated, emotional abyss days. Now, I am hopeful and embarking on leading a healthier life. Will I be hopeful tomorrow? Consistency in emotions is what I pray for. I pray for the same thing everyday: focus, strength, guidance and my family's health.

I am keeping my entry short today because I want to enjoy the holiday. Rather than over analyze and submerge myself completely in self-reflection, I am going to enjoy the steps I have made in such little time and appreciate my reconciliation with God. I have been holding His hand tightly ever since we reunited. So today I wipe off my sweaty hands. This will allow me to keep my grip tight as I continue my fast.

Eid Al-Fitr

Turning Point

We are in the last week of our mandatory spiritual fast. I am extremely proud of Zainab for doing as well as she has with fasting and really making progress towards improving certain relationships in her life. These thirty days have done us some good.

But I have fallen apart this past week. And I wish I was the type to identify the problem, come up with a solution, and solve igt. Instead I am the type to identify the problem, come up with solutions and sit. The ability to act is something I've always lacked. It's why when I talk to God I ask him for strength and focus. Because it takes a lot out of me to do something about my depression and to do something about improving my quality of life. Perhaps it is that unwillingness to expend the energy that has deterred me as of late. I have been fasting inconsistently and now I am not fasting at all. My conversations with God have not been sincere thus I have ceased talking with Him all together. For now. I don't want Him to think I am ungrateful or that I have given up on him so easily. But I respect Him enough that I won't put on a show for him when I know my heart isn't in it. Just like Zainab said, the thought of praying is sometimes a minute notch on the list of "things-to-do" when there are chapters to read, meetings to attend, and for me, a dear friend to be an emotional crutch for.

I attribute my new spiritual dissonance to the latter task of my things-to-do list. Last week and again last night, my friend had a break down. A complete understatement but I don't know what else to label it as. I even hesitate to "label" because it's not a neatly wrapped package of events and emotions. It's messy. It can't be packaged. You wouldn't even attempt to send it through the mail. I wouldn't give it to my best friend nor my worst enemy as a gift. It's the type of thing you keep for yourself. It's radioactive. Seeing my friend in such an emotional state put fear in my heart. Her antics and catharsis as a result of her depression reminded me I can get lower. And in all actuality, I am where she is. I don't cry as she does. Don't continually talk about my feelings as she does but what she doesn't have the strength to hide is what I keep locked away. We are one in the same. On the inside I cry uncontrollably, I fall to my knees, I feel short of breath. But for me all of that translates into dejection, indifference, lack of motivation, anxiety. I should turn to God yet I don't. I am disappointed that I choose the path leading away from Him because it makes me wonder, what has the past 30 days been for? I wrote about things I learned yet I find myself here. Turning away without enough second glances. Because I know that if I looked back one more time, that would be the turning point (literally, the point at which I would turn back towards Him).

I'm not turning my back on Him. I promised to never again do that. What I'm looking for, not sure. But I am lost.

What?

I'm fasting pretty diligently but I am not praying as much as I should. Prayer is harder to do than fasting sometimes.

I'm not always sure of what to say and I feel bad for some of my background thoughts. I will be in the middle of a prayer thanking God and catch myself, in some other mind I have "I have to read those 50 pages in 2 day. FML." God does not want to hear that.

This is a dangerous point of my fast. Physically, I am managing, coping even. It gets easier with each day. Spiritually, I am a flunkie. The fast is still working on my soul, teaching me patience, making forgiveness seem more possible but I am not talking to God in the way I should.

I am glad we are keeping up this blog because it gives me a chance to chronicle my journey to self but also chronicles the distractions, road blocks, construction, potholes, and more in this journey to self.

Praying is not a chore or a task or even something to write down on a checklist (because I love checklists and I make one almost everyday and sometimes I write down "pray"). I need to get to and stay in the place where I talk to God, praise God everyday, just because. I don't have to pray at 5am or 1pm (although that is the ideal) but I have to pray. I have to thank Him for waking me everyday and I have to ask Him to encourage me on if He gives me another one.

Slackin' like tomorrow is an already cashed check. SMH.

Replacement Mom

"Satellite" by Dave Matthews Band

...everything good needs replacing / look up, look down all around...

God is a father to the fatherless, a mother to the motherless...and so much more. When a person is in a situation in his or her life in which those who should be steadfast and consistent have backed out of their roles, God is there.

People used to say that to me. Most specifically, when my friends realized there was something really wrong with me and I should consult someone about depression, my best friend's mom, Novita told me that. She said "I can be your mom. Gwenny can be your mom. Christina can be your mom. Whatever it is you need, someone is here to be that for you."

That was (and remains) the most beautiful thing I ever heard. She explained that God will place people in your life to compensate for the misfortunes you have to endure. I endure a horrible relationship with my mother but 1.) she is still my mother and 2.) there are other people who will pick up the slack.

That concept kept me alive long enough to change my mind and actually want to live. And it is true. God has given me people that have been the consistent family my own family cannot seem to be.

I still yearn for my own family though. I still wish it was all different, but I don't despair because that is not the only family I have. My other family will sustain me until this can be repaired, until I am in a place to repair it.

This summer, Patrice, my best friend in Miami, discussed the expected relationship between parent and child. Both of our issues stem from our mother's and we had arrived at a place where we didn't want anything to do with our mothers. We lamented over the constant advice about "working it out", after all, it is your mother.

So? That was always my response. From the way my mother behaves (she can be ridiculous), she didn't seem to want a relationship so why am to attempt to "work it out"? This isn't a marriage gone wrong. This was the number one person in my life letting me down.

You don't choose your parents and parents don't choose their children. It is possible that if we weren't related, my mother and I would really not get along but our shared DNA makes it possible for us to tolerate each other and even think a real relationship is possible.

I digress. I say all this to say that God will always provide. Shahedah and I have a running joke that I am her mom/sister. I am her Replacement Mom. I do the things that Fatmata doesn't know how, won't do, or doesn't think of. I care about her and I want her to do well life, be happy in life like any mother would. I use my experiences to warn her against things (especially men), to keep the clutter of drama minimal in her life.

And she listens to me, jokes with me, encourages me, keeps my head up like the perfect sister I always wanted. We are, to each other, exactly what we need. When she does something stupid, or this thinking about doing something stupid, I reprimand her, still with love and tenderness, without the vitriol our parents can sometimes, making us feel like general failures and not humans making mistakes.

So, to my little daughter/sister, I'm here as long as God exists.

No Ordinary Love

there's nothing like. you and i. this is no ordinary love. no ordinary love.....

if you're familiar with the song and the music/instrumentation Sade is known for, let it be known that i am always at that place. it is a place of my own. i can lay or sit and just listen. let her do all the thinking for me. it is my favorite music to wake up to, to walk to class to, to ignore people with, and my favorite accompaniment for my tears on nights when sleeping is a struggle.

This week was a hard one. Fasting was actually the easier component of my days. But I couldn't pray because of certain restrictions made by my faith for women regarding monthly occurrences and prayers. And without the five reminders a day of my promises to God to keep faith, it got hard. I feel like such a weak-minded person for saying life is hard. No shit it's hard. The difference between someone like me and the other people roaming the streets is that, i suffer. i don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. i only see dark and less dark days. Karma, Inc. that is, helps me get through the dark days and appreciate the less dark ones. And I think that is the greatest gift I have received from God, to date. The intangible karma helps us value the cycle of life. When something goes awry in life or someone does you wrong, karma has your back. Karma, Inc. has mine in the same way.

The most profound thing in this life is having an understanding of "God's timing." I don't believe that anyone on this Earth knows what God can do for them. I came to the conclusion today that it varies for everyone. He may be limitless in his power but he is not limitless in what he will do for you. What He does for one, He may not do for you. But that is because He has other plans for you. Many people believe that God is synonymous with fixing all. But I see the reference "the almighty" as a notice that it is in His power to fix all. But don't go through life expecting He will. He can not live life for you, but He will follow you through it all and even through in some thing of his own.

In realizing this, I think I finally have figured out why I ruled it okay to be frustrated at Him. Why I thought I could be angry. It was because lost in my impatience, selfishness, my hurt was a lack of understanding that God does not have to heal me in the way I want Him to. If it were up to me He would make everything go away. He would make my bubble safer for me to roam in. But today I comprehend that if He thinks that in my suffering I will have a greater appreciation for the good in others and for the lessons learned than I will if He simply fixes everything, He will have me suffer. Essentially, I believe He does not want me to stay in my hurt nor is He looking for me to find happiness in it. Rather, He wants me to help Him in pushing through it. He won't do all the work for me, that would simply hamper my progress.

I won't value these findings every day. I admit this, not to be defiant, but to be honest with myself. There are very few of us who appreciate what God does for us on a daily basis, I am no exception. But once again, the goal of this fasting, this life, is to increase the days that you get it and decrease the days you don't. I have been stagnant in my progress these past two weeks. I must start pushing again.

I continue to thank Him for all He does. I can't thank Him for the pain I feel but I do understand. He is the greatest coach, the greatest teacher, the greatest friend. The Almighty.

i keep trying for you. i keep crying for you. keep flying for you. keep flying for you. and i'm falling......

What I Attend To

My sunshine Shahedah wrote that sometimes fasting is hard not just because of the physical hunger but because of spiritual impatience.

There are times that I wonder why I am fasting, like I have forgotten my original motivation. When the things I want are unattainable or unavailable, I despair and I wonder "What am I fasting for?" as if, just by fasting, everything I pray for should appear and exist.

That is not the case. I always hear "God's timing" and think it doesn't apply to me. I want this now. I need this now and God isn't coming through, I regret to admit I feel like this sometimes.

But I guess the most phenomenal thing that has happened in this process of fasting and praying is that I am more quickly reminded that God is alive and He really does make things work out. It takes awhile, I may have to suffer through quite a bit, or it could be quick and painless gain. Either way, God provides contingent upon the efforts I make.

I started fasting for Ramadan to get closer to God. It wasn't just to improve things in my life (finances, relationships, etc.) but also just to give me some peace. I feel like a robot sometimes floating around in this life, so tense, calculated.

I am worried and in a state of panic often and it is stressful. If I recognized my God as powerful, as helpful, I wouldn't worry as much as I do. I will worry. All people do at some point. But I could not continue worrying myself into misery, into molasses thick pessimism, not cured by any good fortunes. Worry, fret, anxiety rule my life like a drug.

God is rehab. I gotta find peace of mind.

The Chicken Crossed the Road for a Reason

The biggest challenge when fasting? I would say remembering the reason why you're fasting in the first place.

A couple days ago, before classes started, I decided to go home and talk to my mother. No. I should not have to take a two and a half hour trip just to talk to her but the premise of the trip is as follows: my mom blew up on me over the phone while i was out of town with some extended family members, ordering me to return home or all my stuff would be out on the curb, thus i decided to return to school early rather than remain in a house with someone i really have no relationship with. So I went home (Raleigh,NC) with my roommate in hopes of talking to my mom about the situation. I didn't give her a chance to back me into a corner in her own home so I am still left clueless as to what I did to deserve the blow up on the phone. It has been about a week since I talked to her. She won't pick up my phone calls nor will she return them. My father is also not speaking to me. But I won't talk about the latter party simply because it hurts too much. My mother ended up not being home. She was working late. I have to admit I was rather relieved but I still wanted to make some headway on the "issue." I woke up crying that day. I cried in the middle of the day. I cried talking it over with my neighbor. Honestly, I just wanted to say forget the whole fasting deal. I am not good at letting people help me. I know I haven't always been that way and God is obviously not a regular human being. But I struggle with letting him help me through it all. He has helped me a great deal in allowing someone like Zainab in my life (she saved me that day) but I don't trust in Him as I should.

Getting through that day.......reassured me that He would absolutely not abandon me when I needed Him most. And the day was not a complete waste. I received some wonderful advice from my neighbor.

But classes have started. I have a pretty strenuous course load that I am looking forward to combating. It has only been a week since the fiasco kicked off, things are still fresh and it's not at all the type of baggage I wanted to carry with me into school. School is the only thing I can control. Karma, Inc. helped me understand that. I'm keeping my eye on my prizes.

One Cup of Fear

Wednesday morning, I awoke around 7:30am by a very scary, creepy dream. I dreamed that my mother had died. I went to some hospital and remember walking in a covered parking garage. I spotted my father and ran to him. He hugged me and said some words of comfort I cannot remember. I remember thinking that he was taking it better than I have always imagined. I imagine that the one remaining will be broken. My parents are very close and have such a wonderful marriage.

We went to what looked like a waiting room to speak to someone about my mother. I was able to see her body, lying on that cold, metal autopsy table that I thought she was too special to be laid on.

Then my dream skipped to the funeral. Before it started, they wheeled her open casket in and I saw her first. She looked up at me with her eyes shut, cold, gray, wearing that maroon lipstick she always wears. "She looks so pretty," I thought to myself. They dressed in a strange black dress that I know she wouldn't like.

I started to cry and couldn't walk to my seat. An anonymous aunt held me and helped me drag my feet. I walked slow to stay with the casket. Then my mother opened her eyes and popped her head up. She started talking to me but no one else seemed to notice. I stopped crying and looked around but no one was reacting. She said a lot but all I can remember is "Oh God, they're gonna kill me."

I woke up crying. Then I stopped to realize that it was just a dream. But there was still sadness in me like it was real and I started to sob, really sob. I love my Mommy.

I cried for an hour before I talked to Shahedah and Love before I calmed down, and even then I cried as I told them the dream. Then I called my Mom and left her a message.


The whole day, I obsessed over my Mom. I went to two classes and took notes but heard not a word. I thought of my Mom the whole day.

The dream destroyed my anger and my plans of vindictiveness. We had an earthquake conversation about 2 months ago and haven't spoken since. I was mad and hurt and pissed and confused and all that. I just decided to give up on her, stay away from her, never talk to her again if possible.

But I changed my mind. The dream was too real. All this anger, all this arguing, all this silent treatment is for what? When she dies, how will I defend my anger? What does my anger even matter if we all have to die? She is my mother.

She isn't talking to me right now and I'm not sure why. We haven't spoken since that conversation and I didn't say much during it. But I decided it doesn't matter. My Mom has a really bad temper and says things she doesn't mean. She is infamous for her temper.

In this fasting and prayer, I want to improve my relationship with God but I also want to provide myself with some peace. I thought I would find that in ending my relationship with my parents. But God knows that I am lying to myself. I love my parents and I want them in my life for the rest of their lives. Peace is unavailable if I lie about it to myself.

So I think I was delivered this dream to remind me of what is important. Nothing reminds us human beings of what is important like death. And I thank God that it was just the dream that taught me and not real life.

He Heals Me

He helped me forgive for the first time in my life. He helped me find my first love. He blesses me everyday. Yet, I always find a reason to be angry with Him. I am ashamed to say I am one of His brats. But I have never been one for labels or one to be comfortable being pigeon-holed.

I would like to be one of God's children that He can be proud of. I have been through a lot through these past fourteen years, to say the least. And I know a lot of people have but I always seemed to be carrying more of a load than others. Always. It is as if God brought me into this world and immediately began testing me. He wasted no time in handing me my bundle tied around a stick and my harmonica. I've been roaming the highways ever since. What I'm looking for? I honestly couldn't tell you. But I make sure to write down attractions I'd like to see once I've settled down. These attractions are ads I've seen on billboards while roaming on my callused feet. They include: getting a Masters in Biomedical Engineering, medical school, Peace Corps, getting married, settling in Sierra Leone, living in France, having children, and finding peace within myself.

Finding peace within. Peace within. Peace. I want to actively let things be. I never have fought for myself. I never spoke up for myself. When I was younger it wasn't really my job. There are enough people in my life that say they love me that should have fought for me. No one did. So I sat. Waited. Nothing came out of that. And I continue to sit and wait, passively. I want to wait actively. I say that to convey a need to move away from taking the mess people send my way. People being my family. Family being my mother. If I continue to be passive she will kill me. So I am asking God (5 times a day) to guide me to my peace. Peace that I can hold with me while still on this Earth. He has guided me before but just when I start feeling comfortable and our relationship is secure I let go of His hand. I am not letting go this time. I am going to hold on tight so that He'll guide me through the storms and the rough winds.

I am sorry God. Please forgive me. In this next year of fasting and praying I hope we can become close again.

Schedule of Fast

This is the schedule for the fast month. It lists when to start fasting and all the prayer times. I am also going to use this fast to become an early riser. I love to sleep and I waste much time doing it (Yay depression!).

So Good Of You To Come

They say that life and things in life are cyclical. For some concepts, this is problematic. Who wants to endure difficult or painful things over and over again?

Cycles have been one serious theme of my life. The volatile relationship I have with my mother has always been cyclical. We get along, spend a little time together, remember how funny we both are, how much we laugh together. Something happens, usually something minor, that disgruntles her or me. Unable to talk about emotions with one another (we do not have an emotional relationship), it comes to a head in an argument where painful things may be said. Then, we give each other the silent treatment and don't talk for some days, weeks, months.

It is sad because in that time, one of us could have died. To die while under silent treatment. Wow.

I go through cycles with God too. At what I think is my bottom, I look to God for comfort and forgiveness. I feel guilty for my lack of faith and prayer and return with a new fervor. Things look up. I get comfortable. I stop praying. I forget God in my daily life. And then things fall apart again.

Things don't fall apart because I forget to pray. That is the nature of life. However, I believe that if I were to keep God in my daily life, pray daily, then when things did fall apart or become damaged, I wouldn't be so devastated. I would have strength and resilience about me to get through. I wouldn't have to doubt God or forget Him entirely.

This fast and spiritual revamping (I guess I can call it that) are important to me because I want to end a cycle. I have ended the cycle with my mother. I am not giving her the silent treatment, but rather improving myself so I am not susceptible to our destructive, useless cycle anymore.

With God, I cannot take a leave of absence like I can with Mom. To improve myself, to improve Our relationship, I have to talk to Him everyday.

Yesterday in prayer, I cried out of guilt and anger and shame. I prayed those things away. I prayed, as well, for God to help me maintain this spirit and my dedication to fasting. I do have a tendency to let my dedication go.

I awoke today, with the same problems as yesterday but better resolutions that yesterday. I prayed, again, and cried again, amazed at the change of ONE day of prayer. Nothing happened in my life really, but I felt something permanent and marvelous being created in myself.

And I will ask Him everyday to maintain my dedication.

Got To BE There, Got To BE There

People argue that God and religion are dangerous. It is argued that religion gives people license to behave in inhumane ways. People use God to cosign their bigotry and murder. Religion is the opiate of the masses. It is a tool for control and not nourishment for the soul.

In some ways, I agree with these arguments. Some groups at different times in history have made God and religion perverse with their deeds they claim to do in the name of ______ (fill in name of God here).

They say, as Buddhists, if you see Buddha, kill him. This is to say that if you see Buddha, in your mind or in time and space, you are then unable to be Buddha, have a Buddha nature. You are not to idly worship the object or image of Buddha, but you are to practice what he did, find the peace that he did. That cannot be done while you focus on the image. The practice of Buddhism should be the image and the worship.

I am not Buddhist, however, I understand and think it to be ingenious. I have found a black hole in my life. While small, its gravitational pull is incomparable to anything else in my life. It pulls in everything else, distracts me from everything.

My God is missing and has left behind a powerful, destructive black hole. In prayer, in meditation, in fasting, in crying, in holding my tongue, in choosing my battles, I seek Him to ask for Him back. Not to see the image and worship the image but to learn the ways and perform them in my life so that others my praise God when they meet me.

In this space, this green blog space, or whatever color it should become, my sister, Shahedah, and I, Zainab, will chronicle our journey to God who is ourselves.

The month of Ramadan has begun and we have completed one day of fasting and prayer. Each day will lead us to our God and show us the way, for as of now, we have no idea where we are going.