One Cup of Fear

Wednesday morning, I awoke around 7:30am by a very scary, creepy dream. I dreamed that my mother had died. I went to some hospital and remember walking in a covered parking garage. I spotted my father and ran to him. He hugged me and said some words of comfort I cannot remember. I remember thinking that he was taking it better than I have always imagined. I imagine that the one remaining will be broken. My parents are very close and have such a wonderful marriage.

We went to what looked like a waiting room to speak to someone about my mother. I was able to see her body, lying on that cold, metal autopsy table that I thought she was too special to be laid on.

Then my dream skipped to the funeral. Before it started, they wheeled her open casket in and I saw her first. She looked up at me with her eyes shut, cold, gray, wearing that maroon lipstick she always wears. "She looks so pretty," I thought to myself. They dressed in a strange black dress that I know she wouldn't like.

I started to cry and couldn't walk to my seat. An anonymous aunt held me and helped me drag my feet. I walked slow to stay with the casket. Then my mother opened her eyes and popped her head up. She started talking to me but no one else seemed to notice. I stopped crying and looked around but no one was reacting. She said a lot but all I can remember is "Oh God, they're gonna kill me."

I woke up crying. Then I stopped to realize that it was just a dream. But there was still sadness in me like it was real and I started to sob, really sob. I love my Mommy.

I cried for an hour before I talked to Shahedah and Love before I calmed down, and even then I cried as I told them the dream. Then I called my Mom and left her a message.


The whole day, I obsessed over my Mom. I went to two classes and took notes but heard not a word. I thought of my Mom the whole day.

The dream destroyed my anger and my plans of vindictiveness. We had an earthquake conversation about 2 months ago and haven't spoken since. I was mad and hurt and pissed and confused and all that. I just decided to give up on her, stay away from her, never talk to her again if possible.

But I changed my mind. The dream was too real. All this anger, all this arguing, all this silent treatment is for what? When she dies, how will I defend my anger? What does my anger even matter if we all have to die? She is my mother.

She isn't talking to me right now and I'm not sure why. We haven't spoken since that conversation and I didn't say much during it. But I decided it doesn't matter. My Mom has a really bad temper and says things she doesn't mean. She is infamous for her temper.

In this fasting and prayer, I want to improve my relationship with God but I also want to provide myself with some peace. I thought I would find that in ending my relationship with my parents. But God knows that I am lying to myself. I love my parents and I want them in my life for the rest of their lives. Peace is unavailable if I lie about it to myself.

So I think I was delivered this dream to remind me of what is important. Nothing reminds us human beings of what is important like death. And I thank God that it was just the dream that taught me and not real life.