He Heals Me

He helped me forgive for the first time in my life. He helped me find my first love. He blesses me everyday. Yet, I always find a reason to be angry with Him. I am ashamed to say I am one of His brats. But I have never been one for labels or one to be comfortable being pigeon-holed.

I would like to be one of God's children that He can be proud of. I have been through a lot through these past fourteen years, to say the least. And I know a lot of people have but I always seemed to be carrying more of a load than others. Always. It is as if God brought me into this world and immediately began testing me. He wasted no time in handing me my bundle tied around a stick and my harmonica. I've been roaming the highways ever since. What I'm looking for? I honestly couldn't tell you. But I make sure to write down attractions I'd like to see once I've settled down. These attractions are ads I've seen on billboards while roaming on my callused feet. They include: getting a Masters in Biomedical Engineering, medical school, Peace Corps, getting married, settling in Sierra Leone, living in France, having children, and finding peace within myself.

Finding peace within. Peace within. Peace. I want to actively let things be. I never have fought for myself. I never spoke up for myself. When I was younger it wasn't really my job. There are enough people in my life that say they love me that should have fought for me. No one did. So I sat. Waited. Nothing came out of that. And I continue to sit and wait, passively. I want to wait actively. I say that to convey a need to move away from taking the mess people send my way. People being my family. Family being my mother. If I continue to be passive she will kill me. So I am asking God (5 times a day) to guide me to my peace. Peace that I can hold with me while still on this Earth. He has guided me before but just when I start feeling comfortable and our relationship is secure I let go of His hand. I am not letting go this time. I am going to hold on tight so that He'll guide me through the storms and the rough winds.

I am sorry God. Please forgive me. In this next year of fasting and praying I hope we can become close again.