So Good Of You To Come

They say that life and things in life are cyclical. For some concepts, this is problematic. Who wants to endure difficult or painful things over and over again?

Cycles have been one serious theme of my life. The volatile relationship I have with my mother has always been cyclical. We get along, spend a little time together, remember how funny we both are, how much we laugh together. Something happens, usually something minor, that disgruntles her or me. Unable to talk about emotions with one another (we do not have an emotional relationship), it comes to a head in an argument where painful things may be said. Then, we give each other the silent treatment and don't talk for some days, weeks, months.

It is sad because in that time, one of us could have died. To die while under silent treatment. Wow.

I go through cycles with God too. At what I think is my bottom, I look to God for comfort and forgiveness. I feel guilty for my lack of faith and prayer and return with a new fervor. Things look up. I get comfortable. I stop praying. I forget God in my daily life. And then things fall apart again.

Things don't fall apart because I forget to pray. That is the nature of life. However, I believe that if I were to keep God in my daily life, pray daily, then when things did fall apart or become damaged, I wouldn't be so devastated. I would have strength and resilience about me to get through. I wouldn't have to doubt God or forget Him entirely.

This fast and spiritual revamping (I guess I can call it that) are important to me because I want to end a cycle. I have ended the cycle with my mother. I am not giving her the silent treatment, but rather improving myself so I am not susceptible to our destructive, useless cycle anymore.

With God, I cannot take a leave of absence like I can with Mom. To improve myself, to improve Our relationship, I have to talk to Him everyday.

Yesterday in prayer, I cried out of guilt and anger and shame. I prayed those things away. I prayed, as well, for God to help me maintain this spirit and my dedication to fasting. I do have a tendency to let my dedication go.

I awoke today, with the same problems as yesterday but better resolutions that yesterday. I prayed, again, and cried again, amazed at the change of ONE day of prayer. Nothing happened in my life really, but I felt something permanent and marvelous being created in myself.

And I will ask Him everyday to maintain my dedication.