Your Dad

*sigh*

on Friday I'll see Mr. BA. i spent a lot of my summer with him. i've discussed him in prior entries under a different moniker but. he has been discussed. it's been since the end of my summer since i've seen him. today's december 17th so it's been about 5 months and 10 days. at least. and yes i took a five minute look at my school calendar to calculate it. went to richmond. ugh can't remember when. the battle happened here. hmmm. went to school around then. yea. well. i think that's all right. it was first 2 months of silence from Mr. BA and his wife. they didn't care to check up on me. they didn't want to know what my stressors were (mainly them). one word responses to my emails. zero word responses to my voice messages and phone calls. eventually. i broke. i was ridden with anxiety over the situation. i needed to finally stand my ground. but. but brought stuttered thoughts. but brought a different low for me. but. was confused because the monster you know is better than the monster you don't know. i had never encountered the monster summoned by rebellion. so i decided to "reach out." not sure what else to dub it.

i took time out to write Mr. BA an email. heartfelt. spilled guts. then a week of waiting passed. i had MAIL. more than a one word response. way more than one. one hundred and fifty-two words actually. another 5 minutes. *note* mine was way more than one hundred and fifty-two words *note* but it wasn't a battle of words. i'm not sure what kind of battle. it wasn't a battle at all, i wanted was an end to the silence. i missed Mr. BA. remember, i spent all summer with him. that month and a half or so meant so much to me. i opened up to him. only to realize it was all a mistake. it didn't mean as much to him. could be an irrational deduction. but that's how i took it. because summer meant nothing, my spilled guts meant nothing. and he sent me a chilled one hundred and fifty-two response. none of it truly acknowledged my words. it only acknowledged two sentences. two sentences at the end of my email.

are my feelings still hurt? am i still mad? possibly hurt, not enough energy for the anger........so i see my father this Friday. i'm not sure how to act. i don't know if i should give him a hug. i know that's not happening. i told him i wouldn't be able to trust him for a while. and by the looks of it, he's not interested in putting in work to gain my trust. i suppose he feels that his "Dad" title gave him some special privileges. some sort of leniency. a title, by the way, i did not give him. the 3 years i've known Mr. BA i've never been able to call him that. didn't feel right. wouldn't cross my mind today. being disrespectful isn't an option. that excludes ignoring him. so i think ill find a park bench to sit on for the day. when it gets dark, ill return to the apartment and put my headphones on. definitely still hurt.

i was less hurt when i didn't know him. there was nothing to miss. i never had something to compare the absence with. i only hope he doesn't want to talk about it all. i'm not in the mood for it. i'm not even in the mood to see him. or hear his voice. or stay at his apartment. or hear him breathe.

*sigh*