Your Dad: Lidocaine

i'm tired. Once again. i've already been worn out by all the details of this situation earlier in the semester. that coupled with other issues, made my start to this school year extremely difficult. i won't do it again. and i can't let this ruin my imminent trip home.

i saw Mr. BA. it was as awkward and anxiety-ridden as i anticipated. he walked in and I greeted him, as is customary in our culture. i was never one to jump up in excitement at the sight of Mr. BA but he was my best friend and i'm sure my eyes used to light up. it wouldn't take long for things to get back to how they once were. but. (yea. those again) as i told him, i will never be able to trust him like i did before. i don't like to feel hurt. obviously no one does, so consider that an understatement. i have deeply rooted, major trust and abandonment issues. he abandoned me. i was so attached. i could rationally deduce that to rid myself of those feelings i need to address it with Mr. BA. but i reached out. and felt rejected. i forgave him after not knowing him for all of my life.

"i forgave him after not knowing him for all of my life." ten times i've read the line, looking for the next line. and now i am reduced to confessing that i am an indian forgiver. i gave Mr. BA my forgiveness and i've taken it back........

...........i'm not interested in re-gifting.

so later on, he decided to have a talk with me. i didn't appreciate the manner in which he did it but that's not nearly as significant as the content of the talk. Mr. BA expressed his disappointment in me for my behavior from earlier in the summer. and his hurt over my not calling him for five months. during two of those months, Mr. BA and his wife didn't talk to me. didn't care to know what i was doing. what i was going through. it sucks when someone wrongs you the same way you wronged them, hunh? no. two wrongs don't make a right. but i'm not interested in making a right. im interested in protecting myself. i'm restoring my soul. i can't have someone come in and take the life out of me again. and the hurt that he felt, i'm sure i felt it ten-fold.

i'm left confused about everything. i'm not sure it's worth it to try to explicate the situation. it happened so long ago. what's the point. but i'm also not willing to hand out pardons. so perhaps explicating is the only choice we've got. i'm always saying i'm over it. but as many times as my eyes welled up today. it hurts just as much as it did five months ago.

my only request is to no longer feel anything from this.