Turning Point

We are in the last week of our mandatory spiritual fast. I am extremely proud of Zainab for doing as well as she has with fasting and really making progress towards improving certain relationships in her life. These thirty days have done us some good.

But I have fallen apart this past week. And I wish I was the type to identify the problem, come up with a solution, and solve igt. Instead I am the type to identify the problem, come up with solutions and sit. The ability to act is something I've always lacked. It's why when I talk to God I ask him for strength and focus. Because it takes a lot out of me to do something about my depression and to do something about improving my quality of life. Perhaps it is that unwillingness to expend the energy that has deterred me as of late. I have been fasting inconsistently and now I am not fasting at all. My conversations with God have not been sincere thus I have ceased talking with Him all together. For now. I don't want Him to think I am ungrateful or that I have given up on him so easily. But I respect Him enough that I won't put on a show for him when I know my heart isn't in it. Just like Zainab said, the thought of praying is sometimes a minute notch on the list of "things-to-do" when there are chapters to read, meetings to attend, and for me, a dear friend to be an emotional crutch for.

I attribute my new spiritual dissonance to the latter task of my things-to-do list. Last week and again last night, my friend had a break down. A complete understatement but I don't know what else to label it as. I even hesitate to "label" because it's not a neatly wrapped package of events and emotions. It's messy. It can't be packaged. You wouldn't even attempt to send it through the mail. I wouldn't give it to my best friend nor my worst enemy as a gift. It's the type of thing you keep for yourself. It's radioactive. Seeing my friend in such an emotional state put fear in my heart. Her antics and catharsis as a result of her depression reminded me I can get lower. And in all actuality, I am where she is. I don't cry as she does. Don't continually talk about my feelings as she does but what she doesn't have the strength to hide is what I keep locked away. We are one in the same. On the inside I cry uncontrollably, I fall to my knees, I feel short of breath. But for me all of that translates into dejection, indifference, lack of motivation, anxiety. I should turn to God yet I don't. I am disappointed that I choose the path leading away from Him because it makes me wonder, what has the past 30 days been for? I wrote about things I learned yet I find myself here. Turning away without enough second glances. Because I know that if I looked back one more time, that would be the turning point (literally, the point at which I would turn back towards Him).

I'm not turning my back on Him. I promised to never again do that. What I'm looking for, not sure. But I am lost.