Replacement Mom

"Satellite" by Dave Matthews Band

...everything good needs replacing / look up, look down all around...

God is a father to the fatherless, a mother to the motherless...and so much more. When a person is in a situation in his or her life in which those who should be steadfast and consistent have backed out of their roles, God is there.

People used to say that to me. Most specifically, when my friends realized there was something really wrong with me and I should consult someone about depression, my best friend's mom, Novita told me that. She said "I can be your mom. Gwenny can be your mom. Christina can be your mom. Whatever it is you need, someone is here to be that for you."

That was (and remains) the most beautiful thing I ever heard. She explained that God will place people in your life to compensate for the misfortunes you have to endure. I endure a horrible relationship with my mother but 1.) she is still my mother and 2.) there are other people who will pick up the slack.

That concept kept me alive long enough to change my mind and actually want to live. And it is true. God has given me people that have been the consistent family my own family cannot seem to be.

I still yearn for my own family though. I still wish it was all different, but I don't despair because that is not the only family I have. My other family will sustain me until this can be repaired, until I am in a place to repair it.

This summer, Patrice, my best friend in Miami, discussed the expected relationship between parent and child. Both of our issues stem from our mother's and we had arrived at a place where we didn't want anything to do with our mothers. We lamented over the constant advice about "working it out", after all, it is your mother.

So? That was always my response. From the way my mother behaves (she can be ridiculous), she didn't seem to want a relationship so why am to attempt to "work it out"? This isn't a marriage gone wrong. This was the number one person in my life letting me down.

You don't choose your parents and parents don't choose their children. It is possible that if we weren't related, my mother and I would really not get along but our shared DNA makes it possible for us to tolerate each other and even think a real relationship is possible.

I digress. I say all this to say that God will always provide. Shahedah and I have a running joke that I am her mom/sister. I am her Replacement Mom. I do the things that Fatmata doesn't know how, won't do, or doesn't think of. I care about her and I want her to do well life, be happy in life like any mother would. I use my experiences to warn her against things (especially men), to keep the clutter of drama minimal in her life.

And she listens to me, jokes with me, encourages me, keeps my head up like the perfect sister I always wanted. We are, to each other, exactly what we need. When she does something stupid, or this thinking about doing something stupid, I reprimand her, still with love and tenderness, without the vitriol our parents can sometimes, making us feel like general failures and not humans making mistakes.

So, to my little daughter/sister, I'm here as long as God exists.