No Ordinary Love

there's nothing like. you and i. this is no ordinary love. no ordinary love.....

if you're familiar with the song and the music/instrumentation Sade is known for, let it be known that i am always at that place. it is a place of my own. i can lay or sit and just listen. let her do all the thinking for me. it is my favorite music to wake up to, to walk to class to, to ignore people with, and my favorite accompaniment for my tears on nights when sleeping is a struggle.

This week was a hard one. Fasting was actually the easier component of my days. But I couldn't pray because of certain restrictions made by my faith for women regarding monthly occurrences and prayers. And without the five reminders a day of my promises to God to keep faith, it got hard. I feel like such a weak-minded person for saying life is hard. No shit it's hard. The difference between someone like me and the other people roaming the streets is that, i suffer. i don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. i only see dark and less dark days. Karma, Inc. that is, helps me get through the dark days and appreciate the less dark ones. And I think that is the greatest gift I have received from God, to date. The intangible karma helps us value the cycle of life. When something goes awry in life or someone does you wrong, karma has your back. Karma, Inc. has mine in the same way.

The most profound thing in this life is having an understanding of "God's timing." I don't believe that anyone on this Earth knows what God can do for them. I came to the conclusion today that it varies for everyone. He may be limitless in his power but he is not limitless in what he will do for you. What He does for one, He may not do for you. But that is because He has other plans for you. Many people believe that God is synonymous with fixing all. But I see the reference "the almighty" as a notice that it is in His power to fix all. But don't go through life expecting He will. He can not live life for you, but He will follow you through it all and even through in some thing of his own.

In realizing this, I think I finally have figured out why I ruled it okay to be frustrated at Him. Why I thought I could be angry. It was because lost in my impatience, selfishness, my hurt was a lack of understanding that God does not have to heal me in the way I want Him to. If it were up to me He would make everything go away. He would make my bubble safer for me to roam in. But today I comprehend that if He thinks that in my suffering I will have a greater appreciation for the good in others and for the lessons learned than I will if He simply fixes everything, He will have me suffer. Essentially, I believe He does not want me to stay in my hurt nor is He looking for me to find happiness in it. Rather, He wants me to help Him in pushing through it. He won't do all the work for me, that would simply hamper my progress.

I won't value these findings every day. I admit this, not to be defiant, but to be honest with myself. There are very few of us who appreciate what God does for us on a daily basis, I am no exception. But once again, the goal of this fasting, this life, is to increase the days that you get it and decrease the days you don't. I have been stagnant in my progress these past two weeks. I must start pushing again.

I continue to thank Him for all He does. I can't thank Him for the pain I feel but I do understand. He is the greatest coach, the greatest teacher, the greatest friend. The Almighty.

i keep trying for you. i keep crying for you. keep flying for you. keep flying for you. and i'm falling......