What I Attend To

My sunshine Shahedah wrote that sometimes fasting is hard not just because of the physical hunger but because of spiritual impatience.

There are times that I wonder why I am fasting, like I have forgotten my original motivation. When the things I want are unattainable or unavailable, I despair and I wonder "What am I fasting for?" as if, just by fasting, everything I pray for should appear and exist.

That is not the case. I always hear "God's timing" and think it doesn't apply to me. I want this now. I need this now and God isn't coming through, I regret to admit I feel like this sometimes.

But I guess the most phenomenal thing that has happened in this process of fasting and praying is that I am more quickly reminded that God is alive and He really does make things work out. It takes awhile, I may have to suffer through quite a bit, or it could be quick and painless gain. Either way, God provides contingent upon the efforts I make.

I started fasting for Ramadan to get closer to God. It wasn't just to improve things in my life (finances, relationships, etc.) but also just to give me some peace. I feel like a robot sometimes floating around in this life, so tense, calculated.

I am worried and in a state of panic often and it is stressful. If I recognized my God as powerful, as helpful, I wouldn't worry as much as I do. I will worry. All people do at some point. But I could not continue worrying myself into misery, into molasses thick pessimism, not cured by any good fortunes. Worry, fret, anxiety rule my life like a drug.

God is rehab. I gotta find peace of mind.