P.S. I love you

I wanna go to a place where lovers go.....no stress......i wanna do the things we used to do, say the things we used to say, just lay.......

*sigh* I just recorded a video on my phone. A farewell video of sorts. But never realized how much of a white girl I sounded like. So white, that I can never again say "in my white girl voice" and I feel like I should stop hanging out with white people all together so that people don't mistake me for one of those ignorant broads that wishes she were white. Ugh. I don't even think I should say nigga anymore. And now I realize why my temne is so fucking terrible. Omg!

Ok. I'm done breaking down about that.

This post isn't about my voice. It's about my best friend Zainab. And people.....let me tell you about my best friend.

She is phenomenal. She is beautiful, inside and out. She is intelligent AND smart (and no they are not synonymous). The most emotionally invested person I know when it comes to family. The only person I completely trust with my life. There are so many things I could say about her.

I am ecstatic (I really should look for more words that mean really happy) that she is starting to see how phenomenal she is and will come to be. She cut her hair and I love it. This is the last blog I'll be writing while in the states and I really just want to say to my big sister...........

I love you. It's only three weeks that I'll be gone. We'll both be fine. I think my obsession has convinced me that you can't be okay without me. You'll break down. You'll need to talk and no one will be the sounding board you need. But that's not true. You'll be perfectly fine without me because you're strong and you have therapy and you have "suck ass, good ass" friends. lol. Be sure to email me though. I still want to know what you're up to, when and what you're eating, what you're doing, how the black power movement is progressing, how you're doing, what you're learning......once again, I could go on and on. But I basically want to know that you're doing ok. That's always my main concern. If my mother's not okay, then I'm not okay. So yea, keep me updated son.

Of course I'll be on here a couple times to read your blogs. I should have brought my USB cord to upload pics while I'm there but I'm sure I'll find one while I'm there. I get to see Alimamy, Zainab! I'm so excited. And I get to meet Fenthi. I wish you were coming with me. I actually wish you could go everywhere with me. In my back pocket or something. I'm needy, we already know that though. Not sure what else to say. I feel like we've been farwelling since the beginning of the week. Can't wait to come back and totally overdose on KARMA INC. I'm going to come to Richmond before life gets too stressful. And we gon drown ourselves in green, hugs and love.

Simply put. I love u boo. Take care of yourself. Keep doing what you're doing.

Back to Love, Back to my Home

Live to learn to grow to trust to change.........

In 0900 hours I will be departing for home. Freetown, Sierra Leone. Somehow, I've allowed myself to revel in anxiety and a bit of sadness about going. Which is completely ridiculous. This trip presents so many opportunities for me. I should be nothing but hopeful for the time I'll be spending with friends and family for the next three weeks. If anything, this year has taught me that family members slip away so easily. Actually, I first learned that when I was in ninth grade. Then it seems like every year after then. My most recent reminder was in January. I think going through what I have with my family has deflated my faith in the entity. I've been projecting that lack of faith onto my family at home, which is wrong to do. The family here is blinded by so many things as a result of emigrating to this country. That's not how it is back home. Back home there's solidarity, they support one another, they understand what it is to love one another and be there for one another. Somehow my parents and relatives have diverted from all of those things. I know I'll have nothing but smiles on my face and in my heart once I see my grandmother and other family members.

Living to learn to grow to trust to change.........

Into a better person into a woman. I'm not a little girl anymore but I'm stuck in what I once was what I used to feel. I still feel that hurt and that anger because I relive every event, every day. I don't sit and think about every event of every year until i'm at the nineteenth. But in my daily anxiety and sadness and inability to think highly of myself, is pain from ages 4-19.

Far away from here, far away from here. Far away from here. Just jump in a taxi cab, pack a bag, and get away fast.......

Shoutouts: Zainab Kamarah & Alimamy Bangura

Your Dad: Lidocaine

i'm tired. Once again. i've already been worn out by all the details of this situation earlier in the semester. that coupled with other issues, made my start to this school year extremely difficult. i won't do it again. and i can't let this ruin my imminent trip home.

i saw Mr. BA. it was as awkward and anxiety-ridden as i anticipated. he walked in and I greeted him, as is customary in our culture. i was never one to jump up in excitement at the sight of Mr. BA but he was my best friend and i'm sure my eyes used to light up. it wouldn't take long for things to get back to how they once were. but. (yea. those again) as i told him, i will never be able to trust him like i did before. i don't like to feel hurt. obviously no one does, so consider that an understatement. i have deeply rooted, major trust and abandonment issues. he abandoned me. i was so attached. i could rationally deduce that to rid myself of those feelings i need to address it with Mr. BA. but i reached out. and felt rejected. i forgave him after not knowing him for all of my life.

"i forgave him after not knowing him for all of my life." ten times i've read the line, looking for the next line. and now i am reduced to confessing that i am an indian forgiver. i gave Mr. BA my forgiveness and i've taken it back........

...........i'm not interested in re-gifting.

so later on, he decided to have a talk with me. i didn't appreciate the manner in which he did it but that's not nearly as significant as the content of the talk. Mr. BA expressed his disappointment in me for my behavior from earlier in the summer. and his hurt over my not calling him for five months. during two of those months, Mr. BA and his wife didn't talk to me. didn't care to know what i was doing. what i was going through. it sucks when someone wrongs you the same way you wronged them, hunh? no. two wrongs don't make a right. but i'm not interested in making a right. im interested in protecting myself. i'm restoring my soul. i can't have someone come in and take the life out of me again. and the hurt that he felt, i'm sure i felt it ten-fold.

i'm left confused about everything. i'm not sure it's worth it to try to explicate the situation. it happened so long ago. what's the point. but i'm also not willing to hand out pardons. so perhaps explicating is the only choice we've got. i'm always saying i'm over it. but as many times as my eyes welled up today. it hurts just as much as it did five months ago.

my only request is to no longer feel anything from this.

Dear Karma!

To my 6-star:

I don't know why you fakin liike.
Ew.... you slushy.
I hate you ho.
(rank comment made)......Line.......
You a nigga nancy.
Go wash your butt.
I love you ho.

so. i'm leaving for 3 weeks and i'm going to miss you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. the above phrases are all the things i am going to miss about our texts and conversations. i'm sure i forgot some things because we come up with something new every day but i think those are our most frequently used phrases. i don't know. i've been thinking about how i'm going to balance my sadness from not being able to text you or call you whenever i want with my happiness from being home and being around alimamy. i mean. i'm sure i'm totally overestimating how much i'll miss you. i don't even like you that much. you know i hate you ho. because you a nigga nancy and i don't deal with nigga nancies.

[Aside]
i really don't know how to express how sad i feel already. it's a weird feeling. (let's therapize it) i feel really anxious when i think about it. and the anxiety is in my heart and it's like a pulsating type feeling. and some of it goes down to my stomach. it's really uncomfortable. and it's a scary feeling. the anxiety makes me want to cry. because i'm not forced to be without karma for more than a few hours. i can hardly be without her for the few hours i'm in class. karma's my best friend. i hope her friends are there for her when she needs it. i hope they understand her hurt. i hope they make her laugh and give her pep talks. motivate her. encourage her. don't only take her out to the club with them. i'm sure she'll be ok without me. i'm worried about how i'll be without her. i take karma with me everywhere. i guess she'll be in my heart and on my mind so she's still going with me. but she won't be there to laugh at people with me. she won't be there to share in the experience. DAMMIT. I AINT GOING NOWHERE, UNLESS I CAN TAKE MY KARMA INC.

well.....we all know Mrs. Cutoff Your Phone (Mrs. CYP) will have none of that. but she just don't understand what it is between me and my fiancee.

let me stop fakin liike part of my anxiety isn't from you finding my replacement. don't get me wrong. i'm cool. shit. i'm funny. SHIT. i get it done, two sticks in my bun. so it should be rather hard to find someone who has all of those qualities. and it's hard for you to find someone who doesn't annoy you. lol. you're so picky with who you fucks with. unless they toting green then your filtering system kind of breaks down.

iight. this is just today's chronicle of how i'm feeling. i'm really going to miss blogging these next 3 weeks. i might blog once a week or something.

Your Dad

*sigh*

on Friday I'll see Mr. BA. i spent a lot of my summer with him. i've discussed him in prior entries under a different moniker but. he has been discussed. it's been since the end of my summer since i've seen him. today's december 17th so it's been about 5 months and 10 days. at least. and yes i took a five minute look at my school calendar to calculate it. went to richmond. ugh can't remember when. the battle happened here. hmmm. went to school around then. yea. well. i think that's all right. it was first 2 months of silence from Mr. BA and his wife. they didn't care to check up on me. they didn't want to know what my stressors were (mainly them). one word responses to my emails. zero word responses to my voice messages and phone calls. eventually. i broke. i was ridden with anxiety over the situation. i needed to finally stand my ground. but. but brought stuttered thoughts. but brought a different low for me. but. was confused because the monster you know is better than the monster you don't know. i had never encountered the monster summoned by rebellion. so i decided to "reach out." not sure what else to dub it.

i took time out to write Mr. BA an email. heartfelt. spilled guts. then a week of waiting passed. i had MAIL. more than a one word response. way more than one. one hundred and fifty-two words actually. another 5 minutes. *note* mine was way more than one hundred and fifty-two words *note* but it wasn't a battle of words. i'm not sure what kind of battle. it wasn't a battle at all, i wanted was an end to the silence. i missed Mr. BA. remember, i spent all summer with him. that month and a half or so meant so much to me. i opened up to him. only to realize it was all a mistake. it didn't mean as much to him. could be an irrational deduction. but that's how i took it. because summer meant nothing, my spilled guts meant nothing. and he sent me a chilled one hundred and fifty-two response. none of it truly acknowledged my words. it only acknowledged two sentences. two sentences at the end of my email.

are my feelings still hurt? am i still mad? possibly hurt, not enough energy for the anger........so i see my father this Friday. i'm not sure how to act. i don't know if i should give him a hug. i know that's not happening. i told him i wouldn't be able to trust him for a while. and by the looks of it, he's not interested in putting in work to gain my trust. i suppose he feels that his "Dad" title gave him some special privileges. some sort of leniency. a title, by the way, i did not give him. the 3 years i've known Mr. BA i've never been able to call him that. didn't feel right. wouldn't cross my mind today. being disrespectful isn't an option. that excludes ignoring him. so i think ill find a park bench to sit on for the day. when it gets dark, ill return to the apartment and put my headphones on. definitely still hurt.

i was less hurt when i didn't know him. there was nothing to miss. i never had something to compare the absence with. i only hope he doesn't want to talk about it all. i'm not in the mood for it. i'm not even in the mood to see him. or hear his voice. or stay at his apartment. or hear him breathe.

*sigh*

Normal in Size

I need to believe that when I claim something and say that God can do it for me, I must believe it to mean it will happen.  I believe that I should be capable of correcting, rectifying, completing, fulfilling, and doing most everything in my life,, when really, this is not possible.


I have to work hard.  I have to be patient.  I have to do my best to make the best decisions.  I have to be kind to people.  I have to be considerate.  I have to be humble.  I have to be organized and manage my time well.


But I also have to realize that I am human and I am fallible.  I am not always capable.  I don't always have the personal resources or endurance to correct, rectify, complete, fulfill and do everything.


I believe in God but I continue to forget to ask him for the personal resources I lack from time to time.  I do need to let go and let God after I have done all I can do to improve or change a situation.  I am not a superhero.


I must always try and I should never give up, but I should know that God is watching out for me and if I believe in Him, I must believe in Him.


Forgive me for my lack of faith.

Token

ill pull down a cloud for you. ill circle the stars and bring u one back. ill walk through the sun for u. cuz there's something u do........

Replacement Mom,

It's your go. At night before I don't go to sleep, basically a night like this, and I say my Allahu Akbarrs I am sure to thank God for my big sister. You're one person I refuse to take for granted. Besides, my heart would never allow such a thing.

I love your awful knock-knock jokes. Actually. Such a lie. I love the effort you put into making me laugh on command (but the actual joke I could do without). And I love that i can be completely candid with you about everything under the sun, except for the military. But that's okay. There are a lot of issues and topics under the sun to be discussed therefore I am not losing out on much by not being able to talk to you about the military.

Words can't express how much I appreciate you. My incessant voice messages and calls, my constant texting, my controlling attitude, my accidental guilt trips couldn't help you understand how much of my world you are. I could never find anything to fill your place. I would never be able to find a better confidant, a better comedian (outside of myself), a better partner in crime.

I have a lot of days where I feel I can't do it. And I'll talk to you or simply leave you a message and I'll feel a little better. Voice messages help me because I know you're going to hear it and understand and know what to say, once you're free, that will make my world not feel so claustrophobic.

Somehow we are stark parallels of one another. Mirror images. But not. Because I be dykin liike and you just be fakin liike. But you help me see things in myself that otherwise I would either run away from or not notice. You make me comfortable enough within myself, because of your understanding and nurturing, to constantly be aware of my emotions and my thoughts no matter how scared I am.

Indeed people do let you down. People are inconsistent. People do judge. I'm glad you're not just people.

As confused as I am on the direction of my life and on even the direction of my day. When I wake up, I know I have at least one thing figured out. I get another day to show my sister just how much she is worth all the happiness in the world. And I get to be for you the everything + more that you are for me.

In the morning when I see the big yellow moon in the sky I'm given a reason to match my energy with its beams. But even when that moon is up and I still feel like everything is dark, you're my big yellow moon. You're the reason I'm not afraid to wake up to no Sun in the sky. You're the reason I start my days. You are why I can go to sleep.

i love u. bunches of oats.

Pata, Pata

"God Blocked It" by Kurt Carr

...you see my life was spinning out of control / and the fact that i'm still alive today / ain't nothin' but, nothin' but a miracle...

I always have so much to write about. Life happens to me, I notice life and I have so much to say. But my God, my life makes no time for my art.

Really, I make no time for my art. I love art like I love God and I be fakin' liiiiiike...

Last week Friday I was just having a bad, baaad day. I can't remember the details of the badness (which is just a testament to that fact that trouble don't last always). I just remember feeling so out of control, so helpless, so much self-pity, anger, and frustration about still being frustrated.

I thought that my whole life, not just whatever incident I was dealing with, was in shambles and even the good things were just life's way of mocking my misfortune. I lost my VCU ID, which is my whole life on campus. It was the last "bad" thing to happen that day, and you know it's the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I'm a habitual negative thinker. I know, but I'm praying on it.

And that's what I was reminded to do on Friday. I forget that things could be so much worse. This life is bad for me sometimes, lonely, solutionless, and seemingly not worth the effort. But I am still alive which is more than so many can say. And as long as I am alive, I still have some control. I still have some opportunity.

Someone found my ID and emailed me. Slowly, the rest of the messy injustice of my day and life rescinded or just didn't seem as big of a deal as they initially did. I went to the library, less loaded on my mind and studied, my purpose in life for the time being.

I pulled out my planner and was temporarily overwhelmed by my life...tests in red ink, bills in blue ink, more meetings in purple all up and through my planner.

Whatever song was playing on iTunes faded out and I started to open my mouth to complain. "I can't...

And they sang...

The Devil had a plan to kill me, I know
But God intercepted his plan
And told the devil, no
God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so
No He wouldn't let it be so

And then Nikita told 'em...

Haven't lived a perfect life
Seems I've done wrong more than I've done right
But thank God for compassion and forgiveness
That kept me from a terrible plight

You see, my life was spinning out of control
The fact that I'm still a live today
Ain't nothing, nothing but a miracle

Obviously, I shut my mouth. and no matter how much I study my science, love my science, feel secure in the certain logic of science, I love my God. The fact that I'm still alive today ain't nothing but a miracle. I'm only here because He still wants me to be, because He protected me, because God blocked it.

I got work to do.

For real though, I have so much reading to do.

For Hedah

...If you're lost / you can look / and you will find me / time after time / if you fall / i will catch / I'll be waiting / time after time...

Hedah,

I probably would have hated you as a child. Actually, I did hate you as a child. Not because of you the person but because you got me in trouble with my Mom that one time you told on me.

No, you will never live it down and no I will never stop bringing it up.

I'm only mad that you told on me because it made me hate you and then I stayed away from you for years. How awesome would it have been to grow up together? When I consider the joy that you are to me, I am only disgruntled that I didn't have you ten years ago.

However, I believe in God's timing. And I believe He knows what He is doing. I don't think I would have appreciated you 10 years ago. In the midst of this sometimes debilitating pain and shame and anger and hunger for centeredness I feel, I have a short list of people and things for which I should continue my life for.

They say that one should live for oneself. However, I think that is a lie. That is the problem. If one's happiness is only contingent upon her growth and prosperity alone, she is not a complete person.

I live to put a smile on your face. I live to make you laugh. I live to the mountain on which you stand when you have an epiphany. I live to be the solid ground that rescues you from unstable and murky waters. I live to inspire you. I live to motivate you. I live to love you.

I think I have felt enough sadness to be qualified to say I have seen the world. Yes, that much sadness. And I am glad to have seen it if only to keep you away from it.

This life is hard. People are inconsistent. People judge you. Things don't work out the way you want, wish, and pray for them to. You disappoint yourself. People become more inconsistent. People judge you more. People betray you. You betray yourself.

I write this to let you know that nothing that befalls you is irreparable. Nothing that happens to you can disqualify you from happiness or at least peace of mind.

You don't deserve this storm. You don't at all. And while you are in it, I will give you a hug under my umbrella, make you some pepa sup, tuck you in, and go outside to be with God and tell the devil to mind his business.

I sure do love you.

But Who Jah Bless...

"Who the Cap Fit" by Bob Marley

...no one curse / Thank God, we're past the worst...

I haven't been fasting, not out of insolence but the chronic indolence of being sick.

And it has interrupted my prayer, which doesn't require the physical sacrifice that fasting does, but it is something I haven't been obedient to do.

However, the residue of Ramadan has not left. The things I learned/am learning are with me. I am working on my anxiety and trying to curb my sense of helplessness. When times are harder, I grind harder.

And He has rewarded me for such an attitude even in the absence of my prayers. People, who in the past have been unreliable and inconsistent, have reconsidered their participation in my life and are all about the straight and narrow.

And I am more forgiving, more willing to to enlist their help, less likely to feel pity for the perceived helplessness of my situation.

Fasting during Ramadan left a lasting impression on my soul and on my psyche. Bad things will happen but most of them will not constitute as being the end of the world. I can do this, if I want to, but really this time.

And I have the support of those I longed for in my life. It's a good time to be alive. I almost wasn't here for this.

They say that who the cap fit, let them wear it. Those who left, gave up on me, deserted me, wore the hat of abandonment, but it didn't really fit their hearts. It is just hard to be a human being and not judge, so they made their way back.

I appreciate God for helping me live long enough to witness this moment in my life. The focus now is to make that graduate cap fit.

Tomorrow, Ramadan part two. My little sister and Shahedah (my star) shall subsist on faith and hope alone.