Eid Al-Fitr marks the end of Ramadan. What a long thirty days it has been for me (I know it has been the same for Zainab also, but I don't want to speak for the both of us). Just a few days ago I wrote about not feeling as if this fasting period has done what I needed it to. Until Karma reminded me that what I'm aiming for is making it to a point where my good days, my progressive days outnumber my unmotivated, emotional abyss days. Now, I am hopeful and embarking on leading a healthier life. Will I be hopeful tomorrow? Consistency in emotions is what I pray for. I pray for the same thing everyday: focus, strength, guidance and my family's health.
I am keeping my entry short today because I want to enjoy the holiday. Rather than over analyze and submerge myself completely in self-reflection, I am going to enjoy the steps I have made in such little time and appreciate my reconciliation with God. I have been holding His hand tightly ever since we reunited. So today I wipe off my sweaty hands. This will allow me to keep my grip tight as I continue my fast.
Eid Al-Fitr
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Eid Al-Fitr
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Turning Point
We are in the last week of our mandatory spiritual fast. I am extremely proud of Zainab for doing as well as she has with fasting and really making progress towards improving certain relationships in her life. These thirty days have done us some good.
But I have fallen apart this past week. And I wish I was the type to identify the problem, come up with a solution, and solve igt. Instead I am the type to identify the problem, come up with solutions and sit. The ability to act is something I've always lacked. It's why when I talk to God I ask him for strength and focus. Because it takes a lot out of me to do something about my depression and to do something about improving my quality of life. Perhaps it is that unwillingness to expend the energy that has deterred me as of late. I have been fasting inconsistently and now I am not fasting at all. My conversations with God have not been sincere thus I have ceased talking with Him all together. For now. I don't want Him to think I am ungrateful or that I have given up on him so easily. But I respect Him enough that I won't put on a show for him when I know my heart isn't in it. Just like Zainab said, the thought of praying is sometimes a minute notch on the list of "things-to-do" when there are chapters to read, meetings to attend, and for me, a dear friend to be an emotional crutch for.
I attribute my new spiritual dissonance to the latter task of my things-to-do list. Last week and again last night, my friend had a break down. A complete understatement but I don't know what else to label it as. I even hesitate to "label" because it's not a neatly wrapped package of events and emotions. It's messy. It can't be packaged. You wouldn't even attempt to send it through the mail. I wouldn't give it to my best friend nor my worst enemy as a gift. It's the type of thing you keep for yourself. It's radioactive. Seeing my friend in such an emotional state put fear in my heart. Her antics and catharsis as a result of her depression reminded me I can get lower. And in all actuality, I am where she is. I don't cry as she does. Don't continually talk about my feelings as she does but what she doesn't have the strength to hide is what I keep locked away. We are one in the same. On the inside I cry uncontrollably, I fall to my knees, I feel short of breath. But for me all of that translates into dejection, indifference, lack of motivation, anxiety. I should turn to God yet I don't. I am disappointed that I choose the path leading away from Him because it makes me wonder, what has the past 30 days been for? I wrote about things I learned yet I find myself here. Turning away without enough second glances. Because I know that if I looked back one more time, that would be the turning point (literally, the point at which I would turn back towards Him).
I'm not turning my back on Him. I promised to never again do that. What I'm looking for, not sure. But I am lost.
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Labels: fasting, God, turning point
Monday, September 14, 2009
What?
I'm fasting pretty diligently but I am not praying as much as I should. Prayer is harder to do than fasting sometimes.
I'm not always sure of what to say and I feel bad for some of my background thoughts. I will be in the middle of a prayer thanking God and catch myself, in some other mind I have "I have to read those 50 pages in 2 day. FML." God does not want to hear that.
This is a dangerous point of my fast. Physically, I am managing, coping even. It gets easier with each day. Spiritually, I am a flunkie. The fast is still working on my soul, teaching me patience, making forgiveness seem more possible but I am not talking to God in the way I should.
I am glad we are keeping up this blog because it gives me a chance to chronicle my journey to self but also chronicles the distractions, road blocks, construction, potholes, and more in this journey to self.
Praying is not a chore or a task or even something to write down on a checklist (because I love checklists and I make one almost everyday and sometimes I write down "pray"). I need to get to and stay in the place where I talk to God, praise God everyday, just because. I don't have to pray at 5am or 1pm (although that is the ideal) but I have to pray. I have to thank Him for waking me everyday and I have to ask Him to encourage me on if He gives me another one.
Slackin' like tomorrow is an already cashed check. SMH.
Posted by Karma, Inc. at 5:33 PM 0 comments
Labels: fasting, i know i've been changed, identifying the illness, in God we trust, prayer
Monday, September 7, 2009
Replacement Mom
"Satellite" by Dave Matthews Band
...everything good needs replacing / look up, look down all around...
God is a father to the fatherless, a mother to the motherless...and so much more. When a person is in a situation in his or her life in which those who should be steadfast and consistent have backed out of their roles, God is there.
People used to say that to me. Most specifically, when my friends realized there was something really wrong with me and I should consult someone about depression, my best friend's mom, Novita told me that. She said "I can be your mom. Gwenny can be your mom. Christina can be your mom. Whatever it is you need, someone is here to be that for you."
That was (and remains) the most beautiful thing I ever heard. She explained that God will place people in your life to compensate for the misfortunes you have to endure. I endure a horrible relationship with my mother but 1.) she is still my mother and 2.) there are other people who will pick up the slack.
That concept kept me alive long enough to change my mind and actually want to live. And it is true. God has given me people that have been the consistent family my own family cannot seem to be.
I still yearn for my own family though. I still wish it was all different, but I don't despair because that is not the only family I have. My other family will sustain me until this can be repaired, until I am in a place to repair it.
This summer, Patrice, my best friend in Miami, discussed the expected relationship between parent and child. Both of our issues stem from our mother's and we had arrived at a place where we didn't want anything to do with our mothers. We lamented over the constant advice about "working it out", after all, it is your mother.
So? That was always my response. From the way my mother behaves (she can be ridiculous), she didn't seem to want a relationship so why am to attempt to "work it out"? This isn't a marriage gone wrong. This was the number one person in my life letting me down.
You don't choose your parents and parents don't choose their children. It is possible that if we weren't related, my mother and I would really not get along but our shared DNA makes it possible for us to tolerate each other and even think a real relationship is possible.
I digress. I say all this to say that God will always provide. Shahedah and I have a running joke that I am her mom/sister. I am her Replacement Mom. I do the things that Fatmata doesn't know how, won't do, or doesn't think of. I care about her and I want her to do well life, be happy in life like any mother would. I use my experiences to warn her against things (especially men), to keep the clutter of drama minimal in her life.
And she listens to me, jokes with me, encourages me, keeps my head up like the perfect sister I always wanted. We are, to each other, exactly what we need. When she does something stupid, or this thinking about doing something stupid, I reprimand her, still with love and tenderness, without the vitriol our parents can sometimes, making us feel like general failures and not humans making mistakes.
So, to my little daughter/sister, I'm here as long as God exists.
Posted by Karma, Inc. at 4:07 PM 0 comments
Labels: deliverance, family, God, understanding
Saturday, September 5, 2009
No Ordinary Love
there's nothing like. you and i. this is no ordinary love. no ordinary love.....
if you're familiar with the song and the music/instrumentation Sade is known for, let it be known that i am always at that place. it is a place of my own. i can lay or sit and just listen. let her do all the thinking for me. it is my favorite music to wake up to, to walk to class to, to ignore people with, and my favorite accompaniment for my tears on nights when sleeping is a struggle.
This week was a hard one. Fasting was actually the easier component of my days. But I couldn't pray because of certain restrictions made by my faith for women regarding monthly occurrences and prayers. And without the five reminders a day of my promises to God to keep faith, it got hard. I feel like such a weak-minded person for saying life is hard. No shit it's hard. The difference between someone like me and the other people roaming the streets is that, i suffer. i don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. i only see dark and less dark days. Karma, Inc. that is, helps me get through the dark days and appreciate the less dark ones. And I think that is the greatest gift I have received from God, to date. The intangible karma helps us value the cycle of life. When something goes awry in life or someone does you wrong, karma has your back. Karma, Inc. has mine in the same way.
The most profound thing in this life is having an understanding of "God's timing." I don't believe that anyone on this Earth knows what God can do for them. I came to the conclusion today that it varies for everyone. He may be limitless in his power but he is not limitless in what he will do for you. What He does for one, He may not do for you. But that is because He has other plans for you. Many people believe that God is synonymous with fixing all. But I see the reference "the almighty" as a notice that it is in His power to fix all. But don't go through life expecting He will. He can not live life for you, but He will follow you through it all and even through in some thing of his own.
In realizing this, I think I finally have figured out why I ruled it okay to be frustrated at Him. Why I thought I could be angry. It was because lost in my impatience, selfishness, my hurt was a lack of understanding that God does not have to heal me in the way I want Him to. If it were up to me He would make everything go away. He would make my bubble safer for me to roam in. But today I comprehend that if He thinks that in my suffering I will have a greater appreciation for the good in others and for the lessons learned than I will if He simply fixes everything, He will have me suffer. Essentially, I believe He does not want me to stay in my hurt nor is He looking for me to find happiness in it. Rather, He wants me to help Him in pushing through it. He won't do all the work for me, that would simply hamper my progress.
I won't value these findings every day. I admit this, not to be defiant, but to be honest with myself. There are very few of us who appreciate what God does for us on a daily basis, I am no exception. But once again, the goal of this fasting, this life, is to increase the days that you get it and decrease the days you don't. I have been stagnant in my progress these past two weeks. I must start pushing again.
I continue to thank Him for all He does. I can't thank Him for the pain I feel but I do understand. He is the greatest coach, the greatest teacher, the greatest friend. The Almighty.
i keep trying for you. i keep crying for you. keep flying for you. keep flying for you. and i'm falling......
Posted by Anonymous at 10:54 AM 0 comments
Labels: extraordinary, fasting, God, understanding
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
What I Attend To
My sunshine Shahedah wrote that sometimes fasting is hard not just because of the physical hunger but because of spiritual impatience.
There are times that I wonder why I am fasting, like I have forgotten my original motivation. When the things I want are unattainable or unavailable, I despair and I wonder "What am I fasting for?" as if, just by fasting, everything I pray for should appear and exist.
That is not the case. I always hear "God's timing" and think it doesn't apply to me. I want this now. I need this now and God isn't coming through, I regret to admit I feel like this sometimes.
But I guess the most phenomenal thing that has happened in this process of fasting and praying is that I am more quickly reminded that God is alive and He really does make things work out. It takes awhile, I may have to suffer through quite a bit, or it could be quick and painless gain. Either way, God provides contingent upon the efforts I make.
I started fasting for Ramadan to get closer to God. It wasn't just to improve things in my life (finances, relationships, etc.) but also just to give me some peace. I feel like a robot sometimes floating around in this life, so tense, calculated.
I am worried and in a state of panic often and it is stressful. If I recognized my God as powerful, as helpful, I wouldn't worry as much as I do. I will worry. All people do at some point. But I could not continue worrying myself into misery, into molasses thick pessimism, not cured by any good fortunes. Worry, fret, anxiety rule my life like a drug.
God is rehab. I gotta find peace of mind.
Posted by Karma, Inc. at 1:34 PM 0 comments
Labels: fasting, fight for the cure, God