P.S. I love you

I wanna go to a place where lovers go.....no stress......i wanna do the things we used to do, say the things we used to say, just lay.......

*sigh* I just recorded a video on my phone. A farewell video of sorts. But never realized how much of a white girl I sounded like. So white, that I can never again say "in my white girl voice" and I feel like I should stop hanging out with white people all together so that people don't mistake me for one of those ignorant broads that wishes she were white. Ugh. I don't even think I should say nigga anymore. And now I realize why my temne is so fucking terrible. Omg!

Ok. I'm done breaking down about that.

This post isn't about my voice. It's about my best friend Zainab. And people.....let me tell you about my best friend.

She is phenomenal. She is beautiful, inside and out. She is intelligent AND smart (and no they are not synonymous). The most emotionally invested person I know when it comes to family. The only person I completely trust with my life. There are so many things I could say about her.

I am ecstatic (I really should look for more words that mean really happy) that she is starting to see how phenomenal she is and will come to be. She cut her hair and I love it. This is the last blog I'll be writing while in the states and I really just want to say to my big sister...........

I love you. It's only three weeks that I'll be gone. We'll both be fine. I think my obsession has convinced me that you can't be okay without me. You'll break down. You'll need to talk and no one will be the sounding board you need. But that's not true. You'll be perfectly fine without me because you're strong and you have therapy and you have "suck ass, good ass" friends. lol. Be sure to email me though. I still want to know what you're up to, when and what you're eating, what you're doing, how the black power movement is progressing, how you're doing, what you're learning......once again, I could go on and on. But I basically want to know that you're doing ok. That's always my main concern. If my mother's not okay, then I'm not okay. So yea, keep me updated son.

Of course I'll be on here a couple times to read your blogs. I should have brought my USB cord to upload pics while I'm there but I'm sure I'll find one while I'm there. I get to see Alimamy, Zainab! I'm so excited. And I get to meet Fenthi. I wish you were coming with me. I actually wish you could go everywhere with me. In my back pocket or something. I'm needy, we already know that though. Not sure what else to say. I feel like we've been farwelling since the beginning of the week. Can't wait to come back and totally overdose on KARMA INC. I'm going to come to Richmond before life gets too stressful. And we gon drown ourselves in green, hugs and love.

Simply put. I love u boo. Take care of yourself. Keep doing what you're doing.

Back to Love, Back to my Home

Live to learn to grow to trust to change.........

In 0900 hours I will be departing for home. Freetown, Sierra Leone. Somehow, I've allowed myself to revel in anxiety and a bit of sadness about going. Which is completely ridiculous. This trip presents so many opportunities for me. I should be nothing but hopeful for the time I'll be spending with friends and family for the next three weeks. If anything, this year has taught me that family members slip away so easily. Actually, I first learned that when I was in ninth grade. Then it seems like every year after then. My most recent reminder was in January. I think going through what I have with my family has deflated my faith in the entity. I've been projecting that lack of faith onto my family at home, which is wrong to do. The family here is blinded by so many things as a result of emigrating to this country. That's not how it is back home. Back home there's solidarity, they support one another, they understand what it is to love one another and be there for one another. Somehow my parents and relatives have diverted from all of those things. I know I'll have nothing but smiles on my face and in my heart once I see my grandmother and other family members.

Living to learn to grow to trust to change.........

Into a better person into a woman. I'm not a little girl anymore but I'm stuck in what I once was what I used to feel. I still feel that hurt and that anger because I relive every event, every day. I don't sit and think about every event of every year until i'm at the nineteenth. But in my daily anxiety and sadness and inability to think highly of myself, is pain from ages 4-19.

Far away from here, far away from here. Far away from here. Just jump in a taxi cab, pack a bag, and get away fast.......

Shoutouts: Zainab Kamarah & Alimamy Bangura

Your Dad: Lidocaine

i'm tired. Once again. i've already been worn out by all the details of this situation earlier in the semester. that coupled with other issues, made my start to this school year extremely difficult. i won't do it again. and i can't let this ruin my imminent trip home.

i saw Mr. BA. it was as awkward and anxiety-ridden as i anticipated. he walked in and I greeted him, as is customary in our culture. i was never one to jump up in excitement at the sight of Mr. BA but he was my best friend and i'm sure my eyes used to light up. it wouldn't take long for things to get back to how they once were. but. (yea. those again) as i told him, i will never be able to trust him like i did before. i don't like to feel hurt. obviously no one does, so consider that an understatement. i have deeply rooted, major trust and abandonment issues. he abandoned me. i was so attached. i could rationally deduce that to rid myself of those feelings i need to address it with Mr. BA. but i reached out. and felt rejected. i forgave him after not knowing him for all of my life.

"i forgave him after not knowing him for all of my life." ten times i've read the line, looking for the next line. and now i am reduced to confessing that i am an indian forgiver. i gave Mr. BA my forgiveness and i've taken it back........

...........i'm not interested in re-gifting.

so later on, he decided to have a talk with me. i didn't appreciate the manner in which he did it but that's not nearly as significant as the content of the talk. Mr. BA expressed his disappointment in me for my behavior from earlier in the summer. and his hurt over my not calling him for five months. during two of those months, Mr. BA and his wife didn't talk to me. didn't care to know what i was doing. what i was going through. it sucks when someone wrongs you the same way you wronged them, hunh? no. two wrongs don't make a right. but i'm not interested in making a right. im interested in protecting myself. i'm restoring my soul. i can't have someone come in and take the life out of me again. and the hurt that he felt, i'm sure i felt it ten-fold.

i'm left confused about everything. i'm not sure it's worth it to try to explicate the situation. it happened so long ago. what's the point. but i'm also not willing to hand out pardons. so perhaps explicating is the only choice we've got. i'm always saying i'm over it. but as many times as my eyes welled up today. it hurts just as much as it did five months ago.

my only request is to no longer feel anything from this.

Dear Karma!

To my 6-star:

I don't know why you fakin liike.
Ew.... you slushy.
I hate you ho.
(rank comment made)......Line.......
You a nigga nancy.
Go wash your butt.
I love you ho.

so. i'm leaving for 3 weeks and i'm going to miss you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. the above phrases are all the things i am going to miss about our texts and conversations. i'm sure i forgot some things because we come up with something new every day but i think those are our most frequently used phrases. i don't know. i've been thinking about how i'm going to balance my sadness from not being able to text you or call you whenever i want with my happiness from being home and being around alimamy. i mean. i'm sure i'm totally overestimating how much i'll miss you. i don't even like you that much. you know i hate you ho. because you a nigga nancy and i don't deal with nigga nancies.

[Aside]
i really don't know how to express how sad i feel already. it's a weird feeling. (let's therapize it) i feel really anxious when i think about it. and the anxiety is in my heart and it's like a pulsating type feeling. and some of it goes down to my stomach. it's really uncomfortable. and it's a scary feeling. the anxiety makes me want to cry. because i'm not forced to be without karma for more than a few hours. i can hardly be without her for the few hours i'm in class. karma's my best friend. i hope her friends are there for her when she needs it. i hope they understand her hurt. i hope they make her laugh and give her pep talks. motivate her. encourage her. don't only take her out to the club with them. i'm sure she'll be ok without me. i'm worried about how i'll be without her. i take karma with me everywhere. i guess she'll be in my heart and on my mind so she's still going with me. but she won't be there to laugh at people with me. she won't be there to share in the experience. DAMMIT. I AINT GOING NOWHERE, UNLESS I CAN TAKE MY KARMA INC.

well.....we all know Mrs. Cutoff Your Phone (Mrs. CYP) will have none of that. but she just don't understand what it is between me and my fiancee.

let me stop fakin liike part of my anxiety isn't from you finding my replacement. don't get me wrong. i'm cool. shit. i'm funny. SHIT. i get it done, two sticks in my bun. so it should be rather hard to find someone who has all of those qualities. and it's hard for you to find someone who doesn't annoy you. lol. you're so picky with who you fucks with. unless they toting green then your filtering system kind of breaks down.

iight. this is just today's chronicle of how i'm feeling. i'm really going to miss blogging these next 3 weeks. i might blog once a week or something.

Your Dad

*sigh*

on Friday I'll see Mr. BA. i spent a lot of my summer with him. i've discussed him in prior entries under a different moniker but. he has been discussed. it's been since the end of my summer since i've seen him. today's december 17th so it's been about 5 months and 10 days. at least. and yes i took a five minute look at my school calendar to calculate it. went to richmond. ugh can't remember when. the battle happened here. hmmm. went to school around then. yea. well. i think that's all right. it was first 2 months of silence from Mr. BA and his wife. they didn't care to check up on me. they didn't want to know what my stressors were (mainly them). one word responses to my emails. zero word responses to my voice messages and phone calls. eventually. i broke. i was ridden with anxiety over the situation. i needed to finally stand my ground. but. but brought stuttered thoughts. but brought a different low for me. but. was confused because the monster you know is better than the monster you don't know. i had never encountered the monster summoned by rebellion. so i decided to "reach out." not sure what else to dub it.

i took time out to write Mr. BA an email. heartfelt. spilled guts. then a week of waiting passed. i had MAIL. more than a one word response. way more than one. one hundred and fifty-two words actually. another 5 minutes. *note* mine was way more than one hundred and fifty-two words *note* but it wasn't a battle of words. i'm not sure what kind of battle. it wasn't a battle at all, i wanted was an end to the silence. i missed Mr. BA. remember, i spent all summer with him. that month and a half or so meant so much to me. i opened up to him. only to realize it was all a mistake. it didn't mean as much to him. could be an irrational deduction. but that's how i took it. because summer meant nothing, my spilled guts meant nothing. and he sent me a chilled one hundred and fifty-two response. none of it truly acknowledged my words. it only acknowledged two sentences. two sentences at the end of my email.

are my feelings still hurt? am i still mad? possibly hurt, not enough energy for the anger........so i see my father this Friday. i'm not sure how to act. i don't know if i should give him a hug. i know that's not happening. i told him i wouldn't be able to trust him for a while. and by the looks of it, he's not interested in putting in work to gain my trust. i suppose he feels that his "Dad" title gave him some special privileges. some sort of leniency. a title, by the way, i did not give him. the 3 years i've known Mr. BA i've never been able to call him that. didn't feel right. wouldn't cross my mind today. being disrespectful isn't an option. that excludes ignoring him. so i think ill find a park bench to sit on for the day. when it gets dark, ill return to the apartment and put my headphones on. definitely still hurt.

i was less hurt when i didn't know him. there was nothing to miss. i never had something to compare the absence with. i only hope he doesn't want to talk about it all. i'm not in the mood for it. i'm not even in the mood to see him. or hear his voice. or stay at his apartment. or hear him breathe.

*sigh*