The Chicken Crossed the Road for a Reason

The biggest challenge when fasting? I would say remembering the reason why you're fasting in the first place.

A couple days ago, before classes started, I decided to go home and talk to my mother. No. I should not have to take a two and a half hour trip just to talk to her but the premise of the trip is as follows: my mom blew up on me over the phone while i was out of town with some extended family members, ordering me to return home or all my stuff would be out on the curb, thus i decided to return to school early rather than remain in a house with someone i really have no relationship with. So I went home (Raleigh,NC) with my roommate in hopes of talking to my mom about the situation. I didn't give her a chance to back me into a corner in her own home so I am still left clueless as to what I did to deserve the blow up on the phone. It has been about a week since I talked to her. She won't pick up my phone calls nor will she return them. My father is also not speaking to me. But I won't talk about the latter party simply because it hurts too much. My mother ended up not being home. She was working late. I have to admit I was rather relieved but I still wanted to make some headway on the "issue." I woke up crying that day. I cried in the middle of the day. I cried talking it over with my neighbor. Honestly, I just wanted to say forget the whole fasting deal. I am not good at letting people help me. I know I haven't always been that way and God is obviously not a regular human being. But I struggle with letting him help me through it all. He has helped me a great deal in allowing someone like Zainab in my life (she saved me that day) but I don't trust in Him as I should.

Getting through that day.......reassured me that He would absolutely not abandon me when I needed Him most. And the day was not a complete waste. I received some wonderful advice from my neighbor.

But classes have started. I have a pretty strenuous course load that I am looking forward to combating. It has only been a week since the fiasco kicked off, things are still fresh and it's not at all the type of baggage I wanted to carry with me into school. School is the only thing I can control. Karma, Inc. helped me understand that. I'm keeping my eye on my prizes.

One Cup of Fear

Wednesday morning, I awoke around 7:30am by a very scary, creepy dream. I dreamed that my mother had died. I went to some hospital and remember walking in a covered parking garage. I spotted my father and ran to him. He hugged me and said some words of comfort I cannot remember. I remember thinking that he was taking it better than I have always imagined. I imagine that the one remaining will be broken. My parents are very close and have such a wonderful marriage.

We went to what looked like a waiting room to speak to someone about my mother. I was able to see her body, lying on that cold, metal autopsy table that I thought she was too special to be laid on.

Then my dream skipped to the funeral. Before it started, they wheeled her open casket in and I saw her first. She looked up at me with her eyes shut, cold, gray, wearing that maroon lipstick she always wears. "She looks so pretty," I thought to myself. They dressed in a strange black dress that I know she wouldn't like.

I started to cry and couldn't walk to my seat. An anonymous aunt held me and helped me drag my feet. I walked slow to stay with the casket. Then my mother opened her eyes and popped her head up. She started talking to me but no one else seemed to notice. I stopped crying and looked around but no one was reacting. She said a lot but all I can remember is "Oh God, they're gonna kill me."

I woke up crying. Then I stopped to realize that it was just a dream. But there was still sadness in me like it was real and I started to sob, really sob. I love my Mommy.

I cried for an hour before I talked to Shahedah and Love before I calmed down, and even then I cried as I told them the dream. Then I called my Mom and left her a message.


The whole day, I obsessed over my Mom. I went to two classes and took notes but heard not a word. I thought of my Mom the whole day.

The dream destroyed my anger and my plans of vindictiveness. We had an earthquake conversation about 2 months ago and haven't spoken since. I was mad and hurt and pissed and confused and all that. I just decided to give up on her, stay away from her, never talk to her again if possible.

But I changed my mind. The dream was too real. All this anger, all this arguing, all this silent treatment is for what? When she dies, how will I defend my anger? What does my anger even matter if we all have to die? She is my mother.

She isn't talking to me right now and I'm not sure why. We haven't spoken since that conversation and I didn't say much during it. But I decided it doesn't matter. My Mom has a really bad temper and says things she doesn't mean. She is infamous for her temper.

In this fasting and prayer, I want to improve my relationship with God but I also want to provide myself with some peace. I thought I would find that in ending my relationship with my parents. But God knows that I am lying to myself. I love my parents and I want them in my life for the rest of their lives. Peace is unavailable if I lie about it to myself.

So I think I was delivered this dream to remind me of what is important. Nothing reminds us human beings of what is important like death. And I thank God that it was just the dream that taught me and not real life.

He Heals Me

He helped me forgive for the first time in my life. He helped me find my first love. He blesses me everyday. Yet, I always find a reason to be angry with Him. I am ashamed to say I am one of His brats. But I have never been one for labels or one to be comfortable being pigeon-holed.

I would like to be one of God's children that He can be proud of. I have been through a lot through these past fourteen years, to say the least. And I know a lot of people have but I always seemed to be carrying more of a load than others. Always. It is as if God brought me into this world and immediately began testing me. He wasted no time in handing me my bundle tied around a stick and my harmonica. I've been roaming the highways ever since. What I'm looking for? I honestly couldn't tell you. But I make sure to write down attractions I'd like to see once I've settled down. These attractions are ads I've seen on billboards while roaming on my callused feet. They include: getting a Masters in Biomedical Engineering, medical school, Peace Corps, getting married, settling in Sierra Leone, living in France, having children, and finding peace within myself.

Finding peace within. Peace within. Peace. I want to actively let things be. I never have fought for myself. I never spoke up for myself. When I was younger it wasn't really my job. There are enough people in my life that say they love me that should have fought for me. No one did. So I sat. Waited. Nothing came out of that. And I continue to sit and wait, passively. I want to wait actively. I say that to convey a need to move away from taking the mess people send my way. People being my family. Family being my mother. If I continue to be passive she will kill me. So I am asking God (5 times a day) to guide me to my peace. Peace that I can hold with me while still on this Earth. He has guided me before but just when I start feeling comfortable and our relationship is secure I let go of His hand. I am not letting go this time. I am going to hold on tight so that He'll guide me through the storms and the rough winds.

I am sorry God. Please forgive me. In this next year of fasting and praying I hope we can become close again.

Schedule of Fast

This is the schedule for the fast month. It lists when to start fasting and all the prayer times. I am also going to use this fast to become an early riser. I love to sleep and I waste much time doing it (Yay depression!).

So Good Of You To Come

They say that life and things in life are cyclical. For some concepts, this is problematic. Who wants to endure difficult or painful things over and over again?

Cycles have been one serious theme of my life. The volatile relationship I have with my mother has always been cyclical. We get along, spend a little time together, remember how funny we both are, how much we laugh together. Something happens, usually something minor, that disgruntles her or me. Unable to talk about emotions with one another (we do not have an emotional relationship), it comes to a head in an argument where painful things may be said. Then, we give each other the silent treatment and don't talk for some days, weeks, months.

It is sad because in that time, one of us could have died. To die while under silent treatment. Wow.

I go through cycles with God too. At what I think is my bottom, I look to God for comfort and forgiveness. I feel guilty for my lack of faith and prayer and return with a new fervor. Things look up. I get comfortable. I stop praying. I forget God in my daily life. And then things fall apart again.

Things don't fall apart because I forget to pray. That is the nature of life. However, I believe that if I were to keep God in my daily life, pray daily, then when things did fall apart or become damaged, I wouldn't be so devastated. I would have strength and resilience about me to get through. I wouldn't have to doubt God or forget Him entirely.

This fast and spiritual revamping (I guess I can call it that) are important to me because I want to end a cycle. I have ended the cycle with my mother. I am not giving her the silent treatment, but rather improving myself so I am not susceptible to our destructive, useless cycle anymore.

With God, I cannot take a leave of absence like I can with Mom. To improve myself, to improve Our relationship, I have to talk to Him everyday.

Yesterday in prayer, I cried out of guilt and anger and shame. I prayed those things away. I prayed, as well, for God to help me maintain this spirit and my dedication to fasting. I do have a tendency to let my dedication go.

I awoke today, with the same problems as yesterday but better resolutions that yesterday. I prayed, again, and cried again, amazed at the change of ONE day of prayer. Nothing happened in my life really, but I felt something permanent and marvelous being created in myself.

And I will ask Him everyday to maintain my dedication.

Got To BE There, Got To BE There

People argue that God and religion are dangerous. It is argued that religion gives people license to behave in inhumane ways. People use God to cosign their bigotry and murder. Religion is the opiate of the masses. It is a tool for control and not nourishment for the soul.

In some ways, I agree with these arguments. Some groups at different times in history have made God and religion perverse with their deeds they claim to do in the name of ______ (fill in name of God here).

They say, as Buddhists, if you see Buddha, kill him. This is to say that if you see Buddha, in your mind or in time and space, you are then unable to be Buddha, have a Buddha nature. You are not to idly worship the object or image of Buddha, but you are to practice what he did, find the peace that he did. That cannot be done while you focus on the image. The practice of Buddhism should be the image and the worship.

I am not Buddhist, however, I understand and think it to be ingenious. I have found a black hole in my life. While small, its gravitational pull is incomparable to anything else in my life. It pulls in everything else, distracts me from everything.

My God is missing and has left behind a powerful, destructive black hole. In prayer, in meditation, in fasting, in crying, in holding my tongue, in choosing my battles, I seek Him to ask for Him back. Not to see the image and worship the image but to learn the ways and perform them in my life so that others my praise God when they meet me.

In this space, this green blog space, or whatever color it should become, my sister, Shahedah, and I, Zainab, will chronicle our journey to God who is ourselves.

The month of Ramadan has begun and we have completed one day of fasting and prayer. Each day will lead us to our God and show us the way, for as of now, we have no idea where we are going.