Token

ill pull down a cloud for you. ill circle the stars and bring u one back. ill walk through the sun for u. cuz there's something u do........

Replacement Mom,

It's your go. At night before I don't go to sleep, basically a night like this, and I say my Allahu Akbarrs I am sure to thank God for my big sister. You're one person I refuse to take for granted. Besides, my heart would never allow such a thing.

I love your awful knock-knock jokes. Actually. Such a lie. I love the effort you put into making me laugh on command (but the actual joke I could do without). And I love that i can be completely candid with you about everything under the sun, except for the military. But that's okay. There are a lot of issues and topics under the sun to be discussed therefore I am not losing out on much by not being able to talk to you about the military.

Words can't express how much I appreciate you. My incessant voice messages and calls, my constant texting, my controlling attitude, my accidental guilt trips couldn't help you understand how much of my world you are. I could never find anything to fill your place. I would never be able to find a better confidant, a better comedian (outside of myself), a better partner in crime.

I have a lot of days where I feel I can't do it. And I'll talk to you or simply leave you a message and I'll feel a little better. Voice messages help me because I know you're going to hear it and understand and know what to say, once you're free, that will make my world not feel so claustrophobic.

Somehow we are stark parallels of one another. Mirror images. But not. Because I be dykin liike and you just be fakin liike. But you help me see things in myself that otherwise I would either run away from or not notice. You make me comfortable enough within myself, because of your understanding and nurturing, to constantly be aware of my emotions and my thoughts no matter how scared I am.

Indeed people do let you down. People are inconsistent. People do judge. I'm glad you're not just people.

As confused as I am on the direction of my life and on even the direction of my day. When I wake up, I know I have at least one thing figured out. I get another day to show my sister just how much she is worth all the happiness in the world. And I get to be for you the everything + more that you are for me.

In the morning when I see the big yellow moon in the sky I'm given a reason to match my energy with its beams. But even when that moon is up and I still feel like everything is dark, you're my big yellow moon. You're the reason I'm not afraid to wake up to no Sun in the sky. You're the reason I start my days. You are why I can go to sleep.

i love u. bunches of oats.

Pata, Pata

"God Blocked It" by Kurt Carr

...you see my life was spinning out of control / and the fact that i'm still alive today / ain't nothin' but, nothin' but a miracle...

I always have so much to write about. Life happens to me, I notice life and I have so much to say. But my God, my life makes no time for my art.

Really, I make no time for my art. I love art like I love God and I be fakin' liiiiiike...

Last week Friday I was just having a bad, baaad day. I can't remember the details of the badness (which is just a testament to that fact that trouble don't last always). I just remember feeling so out of control, so helpless, so much self-pity, anger, and frustration about still being frustrated.

I thought that my whole life, not just whatever incident I was dealing with, was in shambles and even the good things were just life's way of mocking my misfortune. I lost my VCU ID, which is my whole life on campus. It was the last "bad" thing to happen that day, and you know it's the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I'm a habitual negative thinker. I know, but I'm praying on it.

And that's what I was reminded to do on Friday. I forget that things could be so much worse. This life is bad for me sometimes, lonely, solutionless, and seemingly not worth the effort. But I am still alive which is more than so many can say. And as long as I am alive, I still have some control. I still have some opportunity.

Someone found my ID and emailed me. Slowly, the rest of the messy injustice of my day and life rescinded or just didn't seem as big of a deal as they initially did. I went to the library, less loaded on my mind and studied, my purpose in life for the time being.

I pulled out my planner and was temporarily overwhelmed by my life...tests in red ink, bills in blue ink, more meetings in purple all up and through my planner.

Whatever song was playing on iTunes faded out and I started to open my mouth to complain. "I can't...

And they sang...

The Devil had a plan to kill me, I know
But God intercepted his plan
And told the devil, no
God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so
No He wouldn't let it be so

And then Nikita told 'em...

Haven't lived a perfect life
Seems I've done wrong more than I've done right
But thank God for compassion and forgiveness
That kept me from a terrible plight

You see, my life was spinning out of control
The fact that I'm still a live today
Ain't nothing, nothing but a miracle

Obviously, I shut my mouth. and no matter how much I study my science, love my science, feel secure in the certain logic of science, I love my God. The fact that I'm still alive today ain't nothing but a miracle. I'm only here because He still wants me to be, because He protected me, because God blocked it.

I got work to do.

For real though, I have so much reading to do.

For Hedah

...If you're lost / you can look / and you will find me / time after time / if you fall / i will catch / I'll be waiting / time after time...

Hedah,

I probably would have hated you as a child. Actually, I did hate you as a child. Not because of you the person but because you got me in trouble with my Mom that one time you told on me.

No, you will never live it down and no I will never stop bringing it up.

I'm only mad that you told on me because it made me hate you and then I stayed away from you for years. How awesome would it have been to grow up together? When I consider the joy that you are to me, I am only disgruntled that I didn't have you ten years ago.

However, I believe in God's timing. And I believe He knows what He is doing. I don't think I would have appreciated you 10 years ago. In the midst of this sometimes debilitating pain and shame and anger and hunger for centeredness I feel, I have a short list of people and things for which I should continue my life for.

They say that one should live for oneself. However, I think that is a lie. That is the problem. If one's happiness is only contingent upon her growth and prosperity alone, she is not a complete person.

I live to put a smile on your face. I live to make you laugh. I live to the mountain on which you stand when you have an epiphany. I live to be the solid ground that rescues you from unstable and murky waters. I live to inspire you. I live to motivate you. I live to love you.

I think I have felt enough sadness to be qualified to say I have seen the world. Yes, that much sadness. And I am glad to have seen it if only to keep you away from it.

This life is hard. People are inconsistent. People judge you. Things don't work out the way you want, wish, and pray for them to. You disappoint yourself. People become more inconsistent. People judge you more. People betray you. You betray yourself.

I write this to let you know that nothing that befalls you is irreparable. Nothing that happens to you can disqualify you from happiness or at least peace of mind.

You don't deserve this storm. You don't at all. And while you are in it, I will give you a hug under my umbrella, make you some pepa sup, tuck you in, and go outside to be with God and tell the devil to mind his business.

I sure do love you.

But Who Jah Bless...

"Who the Cap Fit" by Bob Marley

...no one curse / Thank God, we're past the worst...

I haven't been fasting, not out of insolence but the chronic indolence of being sick.

And it has interrupted my prayer, which doesn't require the physical sacrifice that fasting does, but it is something I haven't been obedient to do.

However, the residue of Ramadan has not left. The things I learned/am learning are with me. I am working on my anxiety and trying to curb my sense of helplessness. When times are harder, I grind harder.

And He has rewarded me for such an attitude even in the absence of my prayers. People, who in the past have been unreliable and inconsistent, have reconsidered their participation in my life and are all about the straight and narrow.

And I am more forgiving, more willing to to enlist their help, less likely to feel pity for the perceived helplessness of my situation.

Fasting during Ramadan left a lasting impression on my soul and on my psyche. Bad things will happen but most of them will not constitute as being the end of the world. I can do this, if I want to, but really this time.

And I have the support of those I longed for in my life. It's a good time to be alive. I almost wasn't here for this.

They say that who the cap fit, let them wear it. Those who left, gave up on me, deserted me, wore the hat of abandonment, but it didn't really fit their hearts. It is just hard to be a human being and not judge, so they made their way back.

I appreciate God for helping me live long enough to witness this moment in my life. The focus now is to make that graduate cap fit.

Tomorrow, Ramadan part two. My little sister and Shahedah (my star) shall subsist on faith and hope alone.

Eid Al-Fitr

Eid Al-Fitr marks the end of Ramadan. What a long thirty days it has been for me (I know it has been the same for Zainab also, but I don't want to speak for the both of us). Just a few days ago I wrote about not feeling as if this fasting period has done what I needed it to. Until Karma reminded me that what I'm aiming for is making it to a point where my good days, my progressive days outnumber my unmotivated, emotional abyss days. Now, I am hopeful and embarking on leading a healthier life. Will I be hopeful tomorrow? Consistency in emotions is what I pray for. I pray for the same thing everyday: focus, strength, guidance and my family's health.

I am keeping my entry short today because I want to enjoy the holiday. Rather than over analyze and submerge myself completely in self-reflection, I am going to enjoy the steps I have made in such little time and appreciate my reconciliation with God. I have been holding His hand tightly ever since we reunited. So today I wipe off my sweaty hands. This will allow me to keep my grip tight as I continue my fast.

Eid Al-Fitr

Turning Point

We are in the last week of our mandatory spiritual fast. I am extremely proud of Zainab for doing as well as she has with fasting and really making progress towards improving certain relationships in her life. These thirty days have done us some good.

But I have fallen apart this past week. And I wish I was the type to identify the problem, come up with a solution, and solve igt. Instead I am the type to identify the problem, come up with solutions and sit. The ability to act is something I've always lacked. It's why when I talk to God I ask him for strength and focus. Because it takes a lot out of me to do something about my depression and to do something about improving my quality of life. Perhaps it is that unwillingness to expend the energy that has deterred me as of late. I have been fasting inconsistently and now I am not fasting at all. My conversations with God have not been sincere thus I have ceased talking with Him all together. For now. I don't want Him to think I am ungrateful or that I have given up on him so easily. But I respect Him enough that I won't put on a show for him when I know my heart isn't in it. Just like Zainab said, the thought of praying is sometimes a minute notch on the list of "things-to-do" when there are chapters to read, meetings to attend, and for me, a dear friend to be an emotional crutch for.

I attribute my new spiritual dissonance to the latter task of my things-to-do list. Last week and again last night, my friend had a break down. A complete understatement but I don't know what else to label it as. I even hesitate to "label" because it's not a neatly wrapped package of events and emotions. It's messy. It can't be packaged. You wouldn't even attempt to send it through the mail. I wouldn't give it to my best friend nor my worst enemy as a gift. It's the type of thing you keep for yourself. It's radioactive. Seeing my friend in such an emotional state put fear in my heart. Her antics and catharsis as a result of her depression reminded me I can get lower. And in all actuality, I am where she is. I don't cry as she does. Don't continually talk about my feelings as she does but what she doesn't have the strength to hide is what I keep locked away. We are one in the same. On the inside I cry uncontrollably, I fall to my knees, I feel short of breath. But for me all of that translates into dejection, indifference, lack of motivation, anxiety. I should turn to God yet I don't. I am disappointed that I choose the path leading away from Him because it makes me wonder, what has the past 30 days been for? I wrote about things I learned yet I find myself here. Turning away without enough second glances. Because I know that if I looked back one more time, that would be the turning point (literally, the point at which I would turn back towards Him).

I'm not turning my back on Him. I promised to never again do that. What I'm looking for, not sure. But I am lost.

What?

I'm fasting pretty diligently but I am not praying as much as I should. Prayer is harder to do than fasting sometimes.

I'm not always sure of what to say and I feel bad for some of my background thoughts. I will be in the middle of a prayer thanking God and catch myself, in some other mind I have "I have to read those 50 pages in 2 day. FML." God does not want to hear that.

This is a dangerous point of my fast. Physically, I am managing, coping even. It gets easier with each day. Spiritually, I am a flunkie. The fast is still working on my soul, teaching me patience, making forgiveness seem more possible but I am not talking to God in the way I should.

I am glad we are keeping up this blog because it gives me a chance to chronicle my journey to self but also chronicles the distractions, road blocks, construction, potholes, and more in this journey to self.

Praying is not a chore or a task or even something to write down on a checklist (because I love checklists and I make one almost everyday and sometimes I write down "pray"). I need to get to and stay in the place where I talk to God, praise God everyday, just because. I don't have to pray at 5am or 1pm (although that is the ideal) but I have to pray. I have to thank Him for waking me everyday and I have to ask Him to encourage me on if He gives me another one.

Slackin' like tomorrow is an already cashed check. SMH.

Replacement Mom

"Satellite" by Dave Matthews Band

...everything good needs replacing / look up, look down all around...

God is a father to the fatherless, a mother to the motherless...and so much more. When a person is in a situation in his or her life in which those who should be steadfast and consistent have backed out of their roles, God is there.

People used to say that to me. Most specifically, when my friends realized there was something really wrong with me and I should consult someone about depression, my best friend's mom, Novita told me that. She said "I can be your mom. Gwenny can be your mom. Christina can be your mom. Whatever it is you need, someone is here to be that for you."

That was (and remains) the most beautiful thing I ever heard. She explained that God will place people in your life to compensate for the misfortunes you have to endure. I endure a horrible relationship with my mother but 1.) she is still my mother and 2.) there are other people who will pick up the slack.

That concept kept me alive long enough to change my mind and actually want to live. And it is true. God has given me people that have been the consistent family my own family cannot seem to be.

I still yearn for my own family though. I still wish it was all different, but I don't despair because that is not the only family I have. My other family will sustain me until this can be repaired, until I am in a place to repair it.

This summer, Patrice, my best friend in Miami, discussed the expected relationship between parent and child. Both of our issues stem from our mother's and we had arrived at a place where we didn't want anything to do with our mothers. We lamented over the constant advice about "working it out", after all, it is your mother.

So? That was always my response. From the way my mother behaves (she can be ridiculous), she didn't seem to want a relationship so why am to attempt to "work it out"? This isn't a marriage gone wrong. This was the number one person in my life letting me down.

You don't choose your parents and parents don't choose their children. It is possible that if we weren't related, my mother and I would really not get along but our shared DNA makes it possible for us to tolerate each other and even think a real relationship is possible.

I digress. I say all this to say that God will always provide. Shahedah and I have a running joke that I am her mom/sister. I am her Replacement Mom. I do the things that Fatmata doesn't know how, won't do, or doesn't think of. I care about her and I want her to do well life, be happy in life like any mother would. I use my experiences to warn her against things (especially men), to keep the clutter of drama minimal in her life.

And she listens to me, jokes with me, encourages me, keeps my head up like the perfect sister I always wanted. We are, to each other, exactly what we need. When she does something stupid, or this thinking about doing something stupid, I reprimand her, still with love and tenderness, without the vitriol our parents can sometimes, making us feel like general failures and not humans making mistakes.

So, to my little daughter/sister, I'm here as long as God exists.

No Ordinary Love

there's nothing like. you and i. this is no ordinary love. no ordinary love.....

if you're familiar with the song and the music/instrumentation Sade is known for, let it be known that i am always at that place. it is a place of my own. i can lay or sit and just listen. let her do all the thinking for me. it is my favorite music to wake up to, to walk to class to, to ignore people with, and my favorite accompaniment for my tears on nights when sleeping is a struggle.

This week was a hard one. Fasting was actually the easier component of my days. But I couldn't pray because of certain restrictions made by my faith for women regarding monthly occurrences and prayers. And without the five reminders a day of my promises to God to keep faith, it got hard. I feel like such a weak-minded person for saying life is hard. No shit it's hard. The difference between someone like me and the other people roaming the streets is that, i suffer. i don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. i only see dark and less dark days. Karma, Inc. that is, helps me get through the dark days and appreciate the less dark ones. And I think that is the greatest gift I have received from God, to date. The intangible karma helps us value the cycle of life. When something goes awry in life or someone does you wrong, karma has your back. Karma, Inc. has mine in the same way.

The most profound thing in this life is having an understanding of "God's timing." I don't believe that anyone on this Earth knows what God can do for them. I came to the conclusion today that it varies for everyone. He may be limitless in his power but he is not limitless in what he will do for you. What He does for one, He may not do for you. But that is because He has other plans for you. Many people believe that God is synonymous with fixing all. But I see the reference "the almighty" as a notice that it is in His power to fix all. But don't go through life expecting He will. He can not live life for you, but He will follow you through it all and even through in some thing of his own.

In realizing this, I think I finally have figured out why I ruled it okay to be frustrated at Him. Why I thought I could be angry. It was because lost in my impatience, selfishness, my hurt was a lack of understanding that God does not have to heal me in the way I want Him to. If it were up to me He would make everything go away. He would make my bubble safer for me to roam in. But today I comprehend that if He thinks that in my suffering I will have a greater appreciation for the good in others and for the lessons learned than I will if He simply fixes everything, He will have me suffer. Essentially, I believe He does not want me to stay in my hurt nor is He looking for me to find happiness in it. Rather, He wants me to help Him in pushing through it. He won't do all the work for me, that would simply hamper my progress.

I won't value these findings every day. I admit this, not to be defiant, but to be honest with myself. There are very few of us who appreciate what God does for us on a daily basis, I am no exception. But once again, the goal of this fasting, this life, is to increase the days that you get it and decrease the days you don't. I have been stagnant in my progress these past two weeks. I must start pushing again.

I continue to thank Him for all He does. I can't thank Him for the pain I feel but I do understand. He is the greatest coach, the greatest teacher, the greatest friend. The Almighty.

i keep trying for you. i keep crying for you. keep flying for you. keep flying for you. and i'm falling......

What I Attend To

My sunshine Shahedah wrote that sometimes fasting is hard not just because of the physical hunger but because of spiritual impatience.

There are times that I wonder why I am fasting, like I have forgotten my original motivation. When the things I want are unattainable or unavailable, I despair and I wonder "What am I fasting for?" as if, just by fasting, everything I pray for should appear and exist.

That is not the case. I always hear "God's timing" and think it doesn't apply to me. I want this now. I need this now and God isn't coming through, I regret to admit I feel like this sometimes.

But I guess the most phenomenal thing that has happened in this process of fasting and praying is that I am more quickly reminded that God is alive and He really does make things work out. It takes awhile, I may have to suffer through quite a bit, or it could be quick and painless gain. Either way, God provides contingent upon the efforts I make.

I started fasting for Ramadan to get closer to God. It wasn't just to improve things in my life (finances, relationships, etc.) but also just to give me some peace. I feel like a robot sometimes floating around in this life, so tense, calculated.

I am worried and in a state of panic often and it is stressful. If I recognized my God as powerful, as helpful, I wouldn't worry as much as I do. I will worry. All people do at some point. But I could not continue worrying myself into misery, into molasses thick pessimism, not cured by any good fortunes. Worry, fret, anxiety rule my life like a drug.

God is rehab. I gotta find peace of mind.