For Hedah

...If you're lost / you can look / and you will find me / time after time / if you fall / i will catch / I'll be waiting / time after time...

Hedah,

I probably would have hated you as a child. Actually, I did hate you as a child. Not because of you the person but because you got me in trouble with my Mom that one time you told on me.

No, you will never live it down and no I will never stop bringing it up.

I'm only mad that you told on me because it made me hate you and then I stayed away from you for years. How awesome would it have been to grow up together? When I consider the joy that you are to me, I am only disgruntled that I didn't have you ten years ago.

However, I believe in God's timing. And I believe He knows what He is doing. I don't think I would have appreciated you 10 years ago. In the midst of this sometimes debilitating pain and shame and anger and hunger for centeredness I feel, I have a short list of people and things for which I should continue my life for.

They say that one should live for oneself. However, I think that is a lie. That is the problem. If one's happiness is only contingent upon her growth and prosperity alone, she is not a complete person.

I live to put a smile on your face. I live to make you laugh. I live to the mountain on which you stand when you have an epiphany. I live to be the solid ground that rescues you from unstable and murky waters. I live to inspire you. I live to motivate you. I live to love you.

I think I have felt enough sadness to be qualified to say I have seen the world. Yes, that much sadness. And I am glad to have seen it if only to keep you away from it.

This life is hard. People are inconsistent. People judge you. Things don't work out the way you want, wish, and pray for them to. You disappoint yourself. People become more inconsistent. People judge you more. People betray you. You betray yourself.

I write this to let you know that nothing that befalls you is irreparable. Nothing that happens to you can disqualify you from happiness or at least peace of mind.

You don't deserve this storm. You don't at all. And while you are in it, I will give you a hug under my umbrella, make you some pepa sup, tuck you in, and go outside to be with God and tell the devil to mind his business.

I sure do love you.

One Cup of Fear

Wednesday morning, I awoke around 7:30am by a very scary, creepy dream. I dreamed that my mother had died. I went to some hospital and remember walking in a covered parking garage. I spotted my father and ran to him. He hugged me and said some words of comfort I cannot remember. I remember thinking that he was taking it better than I have always imagined. I imagine that the one remaining will be broken. My parents are very close and have such a wonderful marriage.

We went to what looked like a waiting room to speak to someone about my mother. I was able to see her body, lying on that cold, metal autopsy table that I thought she was too special to be laid on.

Then my dream skipped to the funeral. Before it started, they wheeled her open casket in and I saw her first. She looked up at me with her eyes shut, cold, gray, wearing that maroon lipstick she always wears. "She looks so pretty," I thought to myself. They dressed in a strange black dress that I know she wouldn't like.

I started to cry and couldn't walk to my seat. An anonymous aunt held me and helped me drag my feet. I walked slow to stay with the casket. Then my mother opened her eyes and popped her head up. She started talking to me but no one else seemed to notice. I stopped crying and looked around but no one was reacting. She said a lot but all I can remember is "Oh God, they're gonna kill me."

I woke up crying. Then I stopped to realize that it was just a dream. But there was still sadness in me like it was real and I started to sob, really sob. I love my Mommy.

I cried for an hour before I talked to Shahedah and Love before I calmed down, and even then I cried as I told them the dream. Then I called my Mom and left her a message.


The whole day, I obsessed over my Mom. I went to two classes and took notes but heard not a word. I thought of my Mom the whole day.

The dream destroyed my anger and my plans of vindictiveness. We had an earthquake conversation about 2 months ago and haven't spoken since. I was mad and hurt and pissed and confused and all that. I just decided to give up on her, stay away from her, never talk to her again if possible.

But I changed my mind. The dream was too real. All this anger, all this arguing, all this silent treatment is for what? When she dies, how will I defend my anger? What does my anger even matter if we all have to die? She is my mother.

She isn't talking to me right now and I'm not sure why. We haven't spoken since that conversation and I didn't say much during it. But I decided it doesn't matter. My Mom has a really bad temper and says things she doesn't mean. She is infamous for her temper.

In this fasting and prayer, I want to improve my relationship with God but I also want to provide myself with some peace. I thought I would find that in ending my relationship with my parents. But God knows that I am lying to myself. I love my parents and I want them in my life for the rest of their lives. Peace is unavailable if I lie about it to myself.

So I think I was delivered this dream to remind me of what is important. Nothing reminds us human beings of what is important like death. And I thank God that it was just the dream that taught me and not real life.

So Good Of You To Come

They say that life and things in life are cyclical. For some concepts, this is problematic. Who wants to endure difficult or painful things over and over again?

Cycles have been one serious theme of my life. The volatile relationship I have with my mother has always been cyclical. We get along, spend a little time together, remember how funny we both are, how much we laugh together. Something happens, usually something minor, that disgruntles her or me. Unable to talk about emotions with one another (we do not have an emotional relationship), it comes to a head in an argument where painful things may be said. Then, we give each other the silent treatment and don't talk for some days, weeks, months.

It is sad because in that time, one of us could have died. To die while under silent treatment. Wow.

I go through cycles with God too. At what I think is my bottom, I look to God for comfort and forgiveness. I feel guilty for my lack of faith and prayer and return with a new fervor. Things look up. I get comfortable. I stop praying. I forget God in my daily life. And then things fall apart again.

Things don't fall apart because I forget to pray. That is the nature of life. However, I believe that if I were to keep God in my daily life, pray daily, then when things did fall apart or become damaged, I wouldn't be so devastated. I would have strength and resilience about me to get through. I wouldn't have to doubt God or forget Him entirely.

This fast and spiritual revamping (I guess I can call it that) are important to me because I want to end a cycle. I have ended the cycle with my mother. I am not giving her the silent treatment, but rather improving myself so I am not susceptible to our destructive, useless cycle anymore.

With God, I cannot take a leave of absence like I can with Mom. To improve myself, to improve Our relationship, I have to talk to Him everyday.

Yesterday in prayer, I cried out of guilt and anger and shame. I prayed those things away. I prayed, as well, for God to help me maintain this spirit and my dedication to fasting. I do have a tendency to let my dedication go.

I awoke today, with the same problems as yesterday but better resolutions that yesterday. I prayed, again, and cried again, amazed at the change of ONE day of prayer. Nothing happened in my life really, but I felt something permanent and marvelous being created in myself.

And I will ask Him everyday to maintain my dedication.

Got To BE There, Got To BE There

People argue that God and religion are dangerous. It is argued that religion gives people license to behave in inhumane ways. People use God to cosign their bigotry and murder. Religion is the opiate of the masses. It is a tool for control and not nourishment for the soul.

In some ways, I agree with these arguments. Some groups at different times in history have made God and religion perverse with their deeds they claim to do in the name of ______ (fill in name of God here).

They say, as Buddhists, if you see Buddha, kill him. This is to say that if you see Buddha, in your mind or in time and space, you are then unable to be Buddha, have a Buddha nature. You are not to idly worship the object or image of Buddha, but you are to practice what he did, find the peace that he did. That cannot be done while you focus on the image. The practice of Buddhism should be the image and the worship.

I am not Buddhist, however, I understand and think it to be ingenious. I have found a black hole in my life. While small, its gravitational pull is incomparable to anything else in my life. It pulls in everything else, distracts me from everything.

My God is missing and has left behind a powerful, destructive black hole. In prayer, in meditation, in fasting, in crying, in holding my tongue, in choosing my battles, I seek Him to ask for Him back. Not to see the image and worship the image but to learn the ways and perform them in my life so that others my praise God when they meet me.

In this space, this green blog space, or whatever color it should become, my sister, Shahedah, and I, Zainab, will chronicle our journey to God who is ourselves.

The month of Ramadan has begun and we have completed one day of fasting and prayer. Each day will lead us to our God and show us the way, for as of now, we have no idea where we are going.