Your Dad: Lidocaine

i'm tired. Once again. i've already been worn out by all the details of this situation earlier in the semester. that coupled with other issues, made my start to this school year extremely difficult. i won't do it again. and i can't let this ruin my imminent trip home.

i saw Mr. BA. it was as awkward and anxiety-ridden as i anticipated. he walked in and I greeted him, as is customary in our culture. i was never one to jump up in excitement at the sight of Mr. BA but he was my best friend and i'm sure my eyes used to light up. it wouldn't take long for things to get back to how they once were. but. (yea. those again) as i told him, i will never be able to trust him like i did before. i don't like to feel hurt. obviously no one does, so consider that an understatement. i have deeply rooted, major trust and abandonment issues. he abandoned me. i was so attached. i could rationally deduce that to rid myself of those feelings i need to address it with Mr. BA. but i reached out. and felt rejected. i forgave him after not knowing him for all of my life.

"i forgave him after not knowing him for all of my life." ten times i've read the line, looking for the next line. and now i am reduced to confessing that i am an indian forgiver. i gave Mr. BA my forgiveness and i've taken it back........

...........i'm not interested in re-gifting.

so later on, he decided to have a talk with me. i didn't appreciate the manner in which he did it but that's not nearly as significant as the content of the talk. Mr. BA expressed his disappointment in me for my behavior from earlier in the summer. and his hurt over my not calling him for five months. during two of those months, Mr. BA and his wife didn't talk to me. didn't care to know what i was doing. what i was going through. it sucks when someone wrongs you the same way you wronged them, hunh? no. two wrongs don't make a right. but i'm not interested in making a right. im interested in protecting myself. i'm restoring my soul. i can't have someone come in and take the life out of me again. and the hurt that he felt, i'm sure i felt it ten-fold.

i'm left confused about everything. i'm not sure it's worth it to try to explicate the situation. it happened so long ago. what's the point. but i'm also not willing to hand out pardons. so perhaps explicating is the only choice we've got. i'm always saying i'm over it. but as many times as my eyes welled up today. it hurts just as much as it did five months ago.

my only request is to no longer feel anything from this.

Your Dad

*sigh*

on Friday I'll see Mr. BA. i spent a lot of my summer with him. i've discussed him in prior entries under a different moniker but. he has been discussed. it's been since the end of my summer since i've seen him. today's december 17th so it's been about 5 months and 10 days. at least. and yes i took a five minute look at my school calendar to calculate it. went to richmond. ugh can't remember when. the battle happened here. hmmm. went to school around then. yea. well. i think that's all right. it was first 2 months of silence from Mr. BA and his wife. they didn't care to check up on me. they didn't want to know what my stressors were (mainly them). one word responses to my emails. zero word responses to my voice messages and phone calls. eventually. i broke. i was ridden with anxiety over the situation. i needed to finally stand my ground. but. but brought stuttered thoughts. but brought a different low for me. but. was confused because the monster you know is better than the monster you don't know. i had never encountered the monster summoned by rebellion. so i decided to "reach out." not sure what else to dub it.

i took time out to write Mr. BA an email. heartfelt. spilled guts. then a week of waiting passed. i had MAIL. more than a one word response. way more than one. one hundred and fifty-two words actually. another 5 minutes. *note* mine was way more than one hundred and fifty-two words *note* but it wasn't a battle of words. i'm not sure what kind of battle. it wasn't a battle at all, i wanted was an end to the silence. i missed Mr. BA. remember, i spent all summer with him. that month and a half or so meant so much to me. i opened up to him. only to realize it was all a mistake. it didn't mean as much to him. could be an irrational deduction. but that's how i took it. because summer meant nothing, my spilled guts meant nothing. and he sent me a chilled one hundred and fifty-two response. none of it truly acknowledged my words. it only acknowledged two sentences. two sentences at the end of my email.

are my feelings still hurt? am i still mad? possibly hurt, not enough energy for the anger........so i see my father this Friday. i'm not sure how to act. i don't know if i should give him a hug. i know that's not happening. i told him i wouldn't be able to trust him for a while. and by the looks of it, he's not interested in putting in work to gain my trust. i suppose he feels that his "Dad" title gave him some special privileges. some sort of leniency. a title, by the way, i did not give him. the 3 years i've known Mr. BA i've never been able to call him that. didn't feel right. wouldn't cross my mind today. being disrespectful isn't an option. that excludes ignoring him. so i think ill find a park bench to sit on for the day. when it gets dark, ill return to the apartment and put my headphones on. definitely still hurt.

i was less hurt when i didn't know him. there was nothing to miss. i never had something to compare the absence with. i only hope he doesn't want to talk about it all. i'm not in the mood for it. i'm not even in the mood to see him. or hear his voice. or stay at his apartment. or hear him breathe.

*sigh*