...If you're lost / you can look / and you will find me / time after time / if you fall / i will catch / I'll be waiting / time after time...
Hedah,
I probably would have hated you as a child. Actually, I did hate you as a child. Not because of you the person but because you got me in trouble with my Mom that one time you told on me.
No, you will never live it down and no I will never stop bringing it up.
I'm only mad that you told on me because it made me hate you and then I stayed away from you for years. How awesome would it have been to grow up together? When I consider the joy that you are to me, I am only disgruntled that I didn't have you ten years ago.
However, I believe in God's timing. And I believe He knows what He is doing. I don't think I would have appreciated you 10 years ago. In the midst of this sometimes debilitating pain and shame and anger and hunger for centeredness I feel, I have a short list of people and things for which I should continue my life for.
They say that one should live for oneself. However, I think that is a lie. That is the problem. If one's happiness is only contingent upon her growth and prosperity alone, she is not a complete person.
I live to put a smile on your face. I live to make you laugh. I live to the mountain on which you stand when you have an epiphany. I live to be the solid ground that rescues you from unstable and murky waters. I live to inspire you. I live to motivate you. I live to love you.
I think I have felt enough sadness to be qualified to say I have seen the world. Yes, that much sadness. And I am glad to have seen it if only to keep you away from it.
This life is hard. People are inconsistent. People judge you. Things don't work out the way you want, wish, and pray for them to. You disappoint yourself. People become more inconsistent. People judge you more. People betray you. You betray yourself.
I write this to let you know that nothing that befalls you is irreparable. Nothing that happens to you can disqualify you from happiness or at least peace of mind.
You don't deserve this storm. You don't at all. And while you are in it, I will give you a hug under my umbrella, make you some pepa sup, tuck you in, and go outside to be with God and tell the devil to mind his business.
I sure do love you.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
For Hedah
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1 comments:
o how we do make sure to fit some laughs in between our tears. i once hated storms. but somehow i reached a point where i couldn't sleep without them. but i am once again afraid of them. for a while i had to try and conquer the fear. alone. but then one day i left my bedroom unattended, my sister walked in and felt the pain in the room. she felt my residual screams from the night terrors. thus she waited for me to return to the room. and she's slept with me through the storms ever since. she told me she was scared of them too. so i didn't feel so alone. i still wake up screaming but i feel her next to me or i open my eyes and she's sitting in the chair with a book. she's there though. i have someone there. i love her.
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