Normal in Size

I need to believe that when I claim something and say that God can do it for me, I must believe it to mean it will happen.  I believe that I should be capable of correcting, rectifying, completing, fulfilling, and doing most everything in my life,, when really, this is not possible.


I have to work hard.  I have to be patient.  I have to do my best to make the best decisions.  I have to be kind to people.  I have to be considerate.  I have to be humble.  I have to be organized and manage my time well.


But I also have to realize that I am human and I am fallible.  I am not always capable.  I don't always have the personal resources or endurance to correct, rectify, complete, fulfill and do everything.


I believe in God but I continue to forget to ask him for the personal resources I lack from time to time.  I do need to let go and let God after I have done all I can do to improve or change a situation.  I am not a superhero.


I must always try and I should never give up, but I should know that God is watching out for me and if I believe in Him, I must believe in Him.


Forgive me for my lack of faith.

Token

ill pull down a cloud for you. ill circle the stars and bring u one back. ill walk through the sun for u. cuz there's something u do........

Replacement Mom,

It's your go. At night before I don't go to sleep, basically a night like this, and I say my Allahu Akbarrs I am sure to thank God for my big sister. You're one person I refuse to take for granted. Besides, my heart would never allow such a thing.

I love your awful knock-knock jokes. Actually. Such a lie. I love the effort you put into making me laugh on command (but the actual joke I could do without). And I love that i can be completely candid with you about everything under the sun, except for the military. But that's okay. There are a lot of issues and topics under the sun to be discussed therefore I am not losing out on much by not being able to talk to you about the military.

Words can't express how much I appreciate you. My incessant voice messages and calls, my constant texting, my controlling attitude, my accidental guilt trips couldn't help you understand how much of my world you are. I could never find anything to fill your place. I would never be able to find a better confidant, a better comedian (outside of myself), a better partner in crime.

I have a lot of days where I feel I can't do it. And I'll talk to you or simply leave you a message and I'll feel a little better. Voice messages help me because I know you're going to hear it and understand and know what to say, once you're free, that will make my world not feel so claustrophobic.

Somehow we are stark parallels of one another. Mirror images. But not. Because I be dykin liike and you just be fakin liike. But you help me see things in myself that otherwise I would either run away from or not notice. You make me comfortable enough within myself, because of your understanding and nurturing, to constantly be aware of my emotions and my thoughts no matter how scared I am.

Indeed people do let you down. People are inconsistent. People do judge. I'm glad you're not just people.

As confused as I am on the direction of my life and on even the direction of my day. When I wake up, I know I have at least one thing figured out. I get another day to show my sister just how much she is worth all the happiness in the world. And I get to be for you the everything + more that you are for me.

In the morning when I see the big yellow moon in the sky I'm given a reason to match my energy with its beams. But even when that moon is up and I still feel like everything is dark, you're my big yellow moon. You're the reason I'm not afraid to wake up to no Sun in the sky. You're the reason I start my days. You are why I can go to sleep.

i love u. bunches of oats.

Pata, Pata

"God Blocked It" by Kurt Carr

...you see my life was spinning out of control / and the fact that i'm still alive today / ain't nothin' but, nothin' but a miracle...

I always have so much to write about. Life happens to me, I notice life and I have so much to say. But my God, my life makes no time for my art.

Really, I make no time for my art. I love art like I love God and I be fakin' liiiiiike...

Last week Friday I was just having a bad, baaad day. I can't remember the details of the badness (which is just a testament to that fact that trouble don't last always). I just remember feeling so out of control, so helpless, so much self-pity, anger, and frustration about still being frustrated.

I thought that my whole life, not just whatever incident I was dealing with, was in shambles and even the good things were just life's way of mocking my misfortune. I lost my VCU ID, which is my whole life on campus. It was the last "bad" thing to happen that day, and you know it's the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I'm a habitual negative thinker. I know, but I'm praying on it.

And that's what I was reminded to do on Friday. I forget that things could be so much worse. This life is bad for me sometimes, lonely, solutionless, and seemingly not worth the effort. But I am still alive which is more than so many can say. And as long as I am alive, I still have some control. I still have some opportunity.

Someone found my ID and emailed me. Slowly, the rest of the messy injustice of my day and life rescinded or just didn't seem as big of a deal as they initially did. I went to the library, less loaded on my mind and studied, my purpose in life for the time being.

I pulled out my planner and was temporarily overwhelmed by my life...tests in red ink, bills in blue ink, more meetings in purple all up and through my planner.

Whatever song was playing on iTunes faded out and I started to open my mouth to complain. "I can't...

And they sang...

The Devil had a plan to kill me, I know
But God intercepted his plan
And told the devil, no
God blocked it
He wouldn't let it be so
No He wouldn't let it be so

And then Nikita told 'em...

Haven't lived a perfect life
Seems I've done wrong more than I've done right
But thank God for compassion and forgiveness
That kept me from a terrible plight

You see, my life was spinning out of control
The fact that I'm still a live today
Ain't nothing, nothing but a miracle

Obviously, I shut my mouth. and no matter how much I study my science, love my science, feel secure in the certain logic of science, I love my God. The fact that I'm still alive today ain't nothing but a miracle. I'm only here because He still wants me to be, because He protected me, because God blocked it.

I got work to do.

For real though, I have so much reading to do.