For Hedah

...If you're lost / you can look / and you will find me / time after time / if you fall / i will catch / I'll be waiting / time after time...

Hedah,

I probably would have hated you as a child. Actually, I did hate you as a child. Not because of you the person but because you got me in trouble with my Mom that one time you told on me.

No, you will never live it down and no I will never stop bringing it up.

I'm only mad that you told on me because it made me hate you and then I stayed away from you for years. How awesome would it have been to grow up together? When I consider the joy that you are to me, I am only disgruntled that I didn't have you ten years ago.

However, I believe in God's timing. And I believe He knows what He is doing. I don't think I would have appreciated you 10 years ago. In the midst of this sometimes debilitating pain and shame and anger and hunger for centeredness I feel, I have a short list of people and things for which I should continue my life for.

They say that one should live for oneself. However, I think that is a lie. That is the problem. If one's happiness is only contingent upon her growth and prosperity alone, she is not a complete person.

I live to put a smile on your face. I live to make you laugh. I live to the mountain on which you stand when you have an epiphany. I live to be the solid ground that rescues you from unstable and murky waters. I live to inspire you. I live to motivate you. I live to love you.

I think I have felt enough sadness to be qualified to say I have seen the world. Yes, that much sadness. And I am glad to have seen it if only to keep you away from it.

This life is hard. People are inconsistent. People judge you. Things don't work out the way you want, wish, and pray for them to. You disappoint yourself. People become more inconsistent. People judge you more. People betray you. You betray yourself.

I write this to let you know that nothing that befalls you is irreparable. Nothing that happens to you can disqualify you from happiness or at least peace of mind.

You don't deserve this storm. You don't at all. And while you are in it, I will give you a hug under my umbrella, make you some pepa sup, tuck you in, and go outside to be with God and tell the devil to mind his business.

I sure do love you.

But Who Jah Bless...

"Who the Cap Fit" by Bob Marley

...no one curse / Thank God, we're past the worst...

I haven't been fasting, not out of insolence but the chronic indolence of being sick.

And it has interrupted my prayer, which doesn't require the physical sacrifice that fasting does, but it is something I haven't been obedient to do.

However, the residue of Ramadan has not left. The things I learned/am learning are with me. I am working on my anxiety and trying to curb my sense of helplessness. When times are harder, I grind harder.

And He has rewarded me for such an attitude even in the absence of my prayers. People, who in the past have been unreliable and inconsistent, have reconsidered their participation in my life and are all about the straight and narrow.

And I am more forgiving, more willing to to enlist their help, less likely to feel pity for the perceived helplessness of my situation.

Fasting during Ramadan left a lasting impression on my soul and on my psyche. Bad things will happen but most of them will not constitute as being the end of the world. I can do this, if I want to, but really this time.

And I have the support of those I longed for in my life. It's a good time to be alive. I almost wasn't here for this.

They say that who the cap fit, let them wear it. Those who left, gave up on me, deserted me, wore the hat of abandonment, but it didn't really fit their hearts. It is just hard to be a human being and not judge, so they made their way back.

I appreciate God for helping me live long enough to witness this moment in my life. The focus now is to make that graduate cap fit.

Tomorrow, Ramadan part two. My little sister and Shahedah (my star) shall subsist on faith and hope alone.